So I’ve been trying to write this particular post for 2 weeks.
It started with me having an emotional moment (or two, or three, or ten) about not having my weight loss goal yet – coming up on year 3. I had a pity-party, and shook it off. I found a new workout to channel my energy into (Kettlebells ROCK – more on that later)…made some progress on the scale. Was feeling great about coming up out of an almost year-long stall/plateau. *sigh* (and YES, I keep coming back to the Numbers Game – after all, the whole point of surgery was for me to move OUT of the obesity category)
I guess it would help if I verbalized what sends me off the emotional cliff as far as not reaching my goal is concerned. If not for others to understand, for MY SELF to get a hold of. The fact that so many people look to me for support, and encouragement. The fact that so many folks have not hesitated to tell me how much I’ve inspired them. The fact that in the past 2 years, so many people in my circle (real life/online) have used my journey/success as an added boost to kick them in the @$$ and get them on a serious pathway to heath – either via a lifestyle/nutrition/exercise change – AND/OR helped them to decide to use surgery as a tool to fight [morbid] obesity and reclaim their health.
That’s all good, right?
Well, in my head (sometimes) it makes me feel like a failure.
a big. fat. EPIC. failure.
Why?
It’s quite simple: I still struggle DAILY with my weight. Still. Every. Single. DAY.
How can I continue to serve as “inspiration” when I can’t even get all the weight off WITH the help of surgery?
I’m not yet to my goal almost 3 years post-op; I’ve seen people who have had surgery well after me lose more than me – some with little effort, some with 3 times the effort that I literally can’t afford to put in to workouts/healthier organic food options. I do what I can with my resources. I get 45 minute workout’s in 4-5x a week, b/c that’s what time I have I have available. I make fairly solid nutritional choices and on a daily basis and generally stay within my daily caloric allotment. And I’m doing all I was taught to do (in nutrition class, and pre-op counseling, and post-op research/study, etc)…and all I know I should be doing to get the rest of this weight off.
BUT…the scale keeps laughing in my face.
YES: I’ve lost an amount equivalent to a “small person”.
YES: I have much less to still lose than I’ve already shed from this frame.
YES: I’ve maintained my weigh loss in the face of varied & sundry health issues.
YES: I. Know. THIS!
My surgeon is not concerned. Nor is my doctor. Such a “stall” in loss is quite common after the 2 year mark.
Meh. *shrug*
And while some people think I’m being way too hard on myself…I MUST BE…and will continue to be for this reason: One thing’s for certain and two thing’s for sure: I ain’t NEVER. EVER…going back down that path to 300+ again. Not EVER!
So, much like someone who has never lost a job can truly empathize with someone who just got notice that they’ve been canned… Or someone who has never experienced the loss of a parent can genuinely FEEL that particular type of grief… Sympathy – certainly! But truly feeling & understanding at the core – what I’m going thru…not really possible. But that is also because we all have our own story that effects how we relate/cope/adapt/etc. in any given situation. More to point: if you are not a person who has had weight loss surgery, can not fully grasp all of the emotional/mental bits & pieces of the puzzle…and can not fully understand my struggle with this particular portion of the weight loss journey. It would be impossible to.
There, I said it.
And while I will not WALLOW in my feelings – I have a right to own them, process them, get them out of my system, and move on. That’s one of the reason’s I created this blog at the inception of my journey. I know me. And I knew that there would be ALOT of things to deal with on the emotional/mental end of the spectrum. But in all honesty here, what I DID not expect, was to have to WORK SO HARD.
That’s half the battle right there.
MY. battle.
And I will fight [the fat] to the finish!
Please believe it…
The Vanishing Vixen 
Feb 13, 2013 @ 19:51:24
you have been (and will remain) a great inspiration and support to me during my decision to have surgery… for me, its not just about you losing the weight… but the fact that no matter what was going on, you kept it REAL and were transparent during the ups and the downs… for that I admire you…
I admit… I know I don’t know it all…but your story makes me feel like I can accomplish my weight loss goals as well… I lean (virtually!) on you… follow your posts and I’m learning so much!
Even THIS rant helps ME! On the days when the scale won’t move and I am sweating and nibbling little bits of food… I know I am NOT alone in this struggle…. and that SOMEBODY named Gina has been there… and things DO get better… you’re living, breathing proof of that!
Feb 13, 2013 @ 17:16:31
I so agree with IMP. You remain an inspiration to me. Once I hit over 200 lbs, I was like “How in the heck did this happen?” Add another 30 lbs, surgery and an obese husband and stepdaughter, now 15 (morbidly obese) I saw no other option. As a result of following your journey and knowing the health risks that have occurred with my husband and his deceased wife (enlarged heart, HBP and Diabetes-from which she died in her sleep), I’ve sought out info on gastric sleeve for them both and, in the meantime, changed our eating habits. It’s SLOW and PAINFUL at times. Because you have shared your story here and on FB it helps me take ownership of my health: Why you think I posted the pic of my first workout? And to help my new loved ones do the same. In the end, I know it’s their journey, BUT I’m going to be with them every step of the way. Stay Blessed Gina
Feb 13, 2013 @ 16:07:07
I wanted to post a comment from my Instagram account (@ggxrox) here because it really did touch me and lets me know my “transparency” is not in vain:
“… Thank you. Thank you for being raw and human!! Because you are telling it like it is. It’s not easy! You speak of your struggles without sugar coating it or making it seem like its been easy for you. I admire you for your perseverance. I am inspired by you and by your struggles. Because even though you’re further along than me I can relate to the feelings of being a failure. Every time that scale doesn’t move is like a slap in the face. Thank you for being real!!”😘
Feb 13, 2013 @ 15:12:44
A close family member struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years. He went through multiple trips to rehab and all the other assorted things people do to “kick the habit”. Finally, after an epic meltdown which resulted in him losing his job, wife, and home in a single bender he tried NA.
Some months later, he asked me if I’d go to one of his meetings with him just to see what it was like. He’d been clean and sober for a few months and was eager to share this new found experience. I went. Many things from the experience stuck with me, but the most memorable were the words of the people who’d been clean and sober for years. To my surprise, they still described themselves as addicts. That struck me because it was an acknowledgement that all the bad things that they’d overcome were still a part of their present day selves. It wasn’t that they’d conquered their challenges, more like they’d learn to peacefully co-exist with them on their terms. Many times when people talk about how they’re going to “beat” this challenge or “overcome” that obstacle they neglect to appreciate that the obstacle is always going to be a part of them.
IMHO, you will serve as an inspiration to others not because of what you conquered, but what you learned on the path to acceptance and how you used those lessons to your benefit. The weightloss surgery wasn’t going to suddenly enable you to be able to eat whatever you felt like. It wasn’t going to mean that you wouldn’t have to exercise or that you’d never gain weight again. It meant that you were going to learn that there was a new way to live and with any luck it would offer you far more good days than bad…………if you were willing to do the work.
THAT my friend is why you’re an inspiration.
Feb 13, 2013 @ 15:56:07
*cue the waterworks*
Thanks a bunch for this, IMP. You’ve been there since long before the journey…and I appreciate your particular brand of insight to this particular brand of rant.