I resolve…

I had a very long conversation with a very dear longtime friend last night. My spiritual advisor of sorts. She knows me well, and have been there through all of my major life transitions. she has always told me that I’m too hard on myself and that I’m a pretty amazing/awesome/lucky/blessed/talented/gifted/beautiful soul.

 

And sometimes, I believe her…

 

I think it’s natural for most people who aren’t where they want to be (regardless of what situation or where exactly their destination is) to be extremely hard on themselves.  There are some things out of our control, but there are alot of things IN our control, too.

 

Health? Alot of that is in our control.  Weigh loss (and gain) is mostly in our control, too. The choices that we make that affect the final outcome of the aforementioned things are pretty much on us as well. Which makes it very frustrating when you know you are doing The Work, and are still stuck in a place you are fighting tooth and nail to get out of.

I realize that over the past month or two, I have totally become obsessed about my weight. All-consumed. Every moment of every day. I couldn’t do anything or eat anything without thinking about the calorie count and ramifications of eating [whatever] it [was].  I mean, yeah…you need to be mindful of what you eat and make sound nutritional choices. Keep indulgences to a minimum & keep your eyes on the prize.  But it shouldn’t become something that overwhelms you to the point of stress…every. Single. DAY.

And it has gotten that way to me. (Breakdown level stress with tears and the whole shebang)

Especially when I realized that I’d be in a full-on panic about not logging every single thing every single day on My Fitness Pal that crossed my lips.  The thing is – MFP is an aid to help YOU.  But it became a hinderence when I’d get myself in a tizzy because I didn’t want anyone ELSE to think I had fallen off the wagon.  Who really gives a $h!t, anyway.  This is about ME, not anyone else. While I do LOVE utilizing  such clever little tools to help me be accountable, I shouldn’t feel the need to become a slave to it. I shouldn’t stress about not logging every single thing every single day (unless I’m on a challenge/bet/etc.), but alas…I DO. And it’s made me HATE the journey even more.

I do know that I have encouraged and inspired many people – which is another reason it stresses me. But I refuse to be a slave to this thang. My life is more than my weight.  I have a husband, child, full time job, and business to tend to.  I can’t sit around worrying all day about food & exercise every moment of the day. NORMAL people don’t do that.  Once you have made that change in your life, it should become natural…not forced. And certainly not something to obsess over.

 

So you know what? Given the thoughts on my last post and knowing that this is a lifelong commitment…I’ve decided that it’s time to try something different. I’ve been stressing out entirely TOO much about My Magic Number… been losing sleep over this last 30-40 pounds that I need like to get off… underwhelmed by the fact that I’m still super bottom heavy (though I still think chicks with curves rock!). I cannot live the rest of my life like this. and I can almost guarantee that my stress ove the matter is part of the reason for the matter.

 

Ya dig?

So…

 

It’s high time that I resolve…

to stop obsessing & stressing

to be kinder to myself on this [weight loss] journey

to remember that where I have to go is not nearly as far as from where I’ve come

to appreciate my progress & my transformation

to celebrate my fit curves and fabulous God-given womanly figure

to stop worrying so much about what other people may think about where I’m at in this struggle (because they probably don’t care anyway!)

to continue making the best possible choices for my future health & well-being

to stop comparing my journey to other peoples journey/results/success

to show LOVE to and be KIND to myself….every. Single. DAY.

 

That’s all I can do.

 

And it’s high time that I started doing it.

 

 

 

My Invisible Life?

I’ve been blessed to have an amazing support system on this journey. And over the past few months that I’ve been on Instagram, my support circle has grown…and includes alot of people who have also used weight loss surgery to battle obesity. A posting on someone’s page today stuck me deep. I won’t quote, but the gist of the comment was something to the effect of “I wish I had more ‘before’ pictures (referring to before the drastic weightloss) but I felt pretty invisible in my life then” – or SOMETHING to that effect. And it was a sentiment that I have read or heard MANY times from people on a similar journey. That they felt invisible.

*trying to compute, but it just doesn’t resonate*

Anyone who knows me, knows that couldn’t be FARTHER from the truth *lol* I was (am?) a total camera whore…who never shied away from a good photo-op. I never felt like anything other than the bodacious, beautiful center of attention. I was never at a loss for male attention – and my shape/size/stature (OBESITY) was even celebrated by some. That was MY life. And if I’m going to be 100% honest, I will say that I feel more invisible AFTER losing over 100#, than I did at my largest (totally different blog topic. Still working thru the why’s of it).

…in all my big gal “visibility”. couldn’t tell me JACK!

I get that each person’s journey is different, and their experience alone. You can’t tell anyone how they should feel or process their feelings, and everyone has [the right] to work through their own emotional mess. I also know that I, personally, cannot under stand how some people choose to totally disassociate their post weight loss selves with their former obese selves – as if they are two totally different people. In theory, yes. I get that. I DO GET that there is a mindset shift/change/and transformation that has to take place in order to be successful. But in my case, in my mind I’m still Gina. Size 24…size 14…and every size in between or below that!

YES, I have become a new creature, so to speak. YES, my mind has been transformed to allow for the necessary changes to take effect where my health is concerned. YES I know that I can’t resort back to my old ways & habits, lest I end up back where I started 3 years ago.

Yes.

Yes!

1ooo times YES!!!

I get it.

But in my head, I will ALWAYS be battling with my inner Fat Girl, much like an addict battles with their addiction years after they are clean & sober. But that is MY personal story…and I’m uncertain that I will ever be able to totally disown my [food] addiction just because by the grace of God (and medical intervention) I’ve found a way to “get clean”.

A very dear friend left this comment on my previous post, and it renewed my spirit for the rest of the journey, and helped me to realize that for most (including self) this will be a LIFE LONG battle that won’t end at a goal weight.

“A close family member struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years. He went through multiple trips to rehab and all the other assorted things people do to “kick the habit”. Finally, after an epic meltdown which resulted in him losing his job, wife, and home in a single bender he tried NA.

Some months later, he asked me if I’d go to one of his meetings with him just to see what it was like. He’d been clean and sober for a few months and was eager to share this new found experience. I went. Many things from the experience stuck with me, but the most memorable were the words of the people who’d been clean and sober for years. To my surprise, they still described themselves as addicts. That struck me because it was an acknowledgement that all the bad things that they’d overcome were still a part of their present day selves. It wasn’t that they’d conquered their challenges, more like they’d learn to peacefully co-exist with them on their terms. Many times when people talk about how they’re going to “beat” this challenge or “overcome” that obstacle they neglect to appreciate that the obstacle is always going to be a part of them…”

so NOT invisible *lol*

Certainly, it’s discouraging as hell sometimes when I’m doing all in my power to see the results that may come easy for others. But despite my propensity for feeling invisible — ie: uncomfortable — in my “new skin”, I keep going. Almost 3 years later I am still dealing with alot of the mental & emotional ish that goes along with a drastic physical transformation. But bet your bottom dollar that I will not allow that to keep me in that unhealthy physical place where I felt far more comfortable (read: more “visible”, so to speak).

The fat I used to “wear” so proudly now feels more like a death trap…and I think it’s that which gives way to some of the “invisibility” factor for ME. I still have a longggg way to go…and sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m not there yet (see my previous post on this matter). I shrink into the background because there are only but so many “progress pics” I can post to validate myself when I’m at a virtual stand still. (that’s what the whole progress pic/comparison shot thing is about…if you didn’t know *lol*. Sometimes its the only way to see (read: validate) your success)

But I know I’m doing The Work.

Let’s face it, ALL of us who are truly committed to this journey are here because we are willing to do the work. Whether or not I will ever see my “magic number” should be of no consequence. The fact that I have changed my life (and thereby my health) should speak far louder than any numbers on the scale can read….

I’m just Gina, after all is said & done. A pseudo invisible food addict in recovery…A Fat Girl in a smaller body than before, with improved sensibilities making better choices and DOING SOMETHING to improve my quality of life.

AND…

I’m too “Gone with the Wind FABULOUS” to be… invisible. Always have been, always will be.

#runteldat

Epic FAIL(ure)…

 

So I’ve been trying to write this particular post for 2 weeks.

It started with me having an emotional moment (or two, or three, or ten) about not having my weight loss goal yet – coming up on year 3.  I had a pity-party, and shook it off. I found a new workout to channel my energy into (Kettlebells ROCK – more on that later)…made some progress on the scale. Was feeling great about coming up out of an almost year-long stall/plateau. *sigh* (and YES, I keep coming back to the Numbers Game – after all, the whole point of surgery was for me to move OUT of the obesity category)

I guess it would help if I verbalized what sends me off the emotional cliff as far as not reaching my goal is concerned. If not for others to understand, for MY SELF to get a hold of.  The fact that so many people look to me for support, and encouragement.  The fact that so many folks have not hesitated to tell me how much I’ve inspired them.  The fact that in the past 2 years, so many people in my circle (real life/online) have used my journey/success as an added boost to kick them in the @$$ and get them on a serious pathway to heath – either via a lifestyle/nutrition/exercise change – AND/OR helped them to decide to use surgery as a tool to fight [morbid] obesity and reclaim their health.

That’s all good, right?

Well, in my head (sometimes) it makes me feel like a failure.

a big. fat. EPIC. failure.

Why?

It’s quite simple: I still struggle DAILY with my weight. Still. Every. Single. DAY.

How can I continue to serve as “inspiration” when I can’t even get all the weight off WITH the help of surgery?

I’m not yet to my goal almost 3 years post-op; I’ve seen people who have had surgery well after me lose more than me – some with little effort, some with 3 times the effort that I literally can’t afford to put in to workouts/healthier organic food options.  I do what I can with my resources. I get 45 minute workout’s in 4-5x a week, b/c that’s what time I have I have available. I make fairly solid nutritional choices and on a daily basis and generally stay within my daily caloric allotment. And I’m doing all I was taught to do (in nutrition class, and pre-op counseling, and post-op research/study, etc)…and all I know I should be doing to get the rest of this weight off.

BUT…the scale keeps laughing in my face.

YES: I’ve lost an amount equivalent to a “small person”.
YES: I have much less to still lose than I’ve already shed from this frame.
YES: I’ve maintained my weigh loss in the face of varied & sundry health issues.
YES: I. Know. THIS!

 

My surgeon is not concerned. Nor is my doctor. Such a “stall” in loss is quite common after the 2 year mark.

Meh. *shrug*

And while some people think I’m being way too hard on myself…I MUST BE…and will continue to be for this reason: One thing’s for certain and two thing’s for sure: I ain’t NEVER. EVER…going back down that path to 300+ again. Not EVER!

So, much like someone who has never lost a job can truly empathize with someone who just got notice that they’ve been canned… Or someone who has never experienced the loss of a parent can genuinely FEEL that particular type of grief…  Sympathy – certainly!  But truly feeling & understanding at the core – what I’m going thru…not really possible.  But that is also because we all have our own story that effects how we relate/cope/adapt/etc. in any given situation. More to point: if you are not a person who has had weight loss surgery, can not fully grasp all of the emotional/mental bits & pieces of the puzzle…and can not fully understand my struggle with this particular portion of the weight loss journey. It would be impossible to.

There, I said it.

And while I will not WALLOW in my feelings –  I have a right to own them, process them, get them out of my system, and move on.  That’s one of the reason’s I created this blog at the inception of my journey.  I know me. And I knew that there would be ALOT of things to deal with on the emotional/mental end of the spectrum.  But in all honesty here, what I DID not expect, was to have to WORK SO HARD.

There, I said it (again).

So…. it is what it is, was what it was, and will be what it will be.

I’ve not given up. I WILL not give up. And I WILL win the fat-fight!  As I was reminded in one of my fitness forums: this is a LIFELONG journey. So what, I’m not at my weight goal yet.  I WILL get there. EVENTUALLY. And I’m learning to be ok with that (verrrrry slowwwwwllly, but surely).  What other choice do I have right?

I’ve also come to realize that my disappointment and feeling of failure is only because I DO truly want this…and I AM committed to this. And I am DOING this.

 

That’s half the battle right there.

MY. battle.

And I will fight [the fat] to the finish!

Please believe it…

The Awakening (a quickie)

I figured for posterity I would re-post here, a sentiment that I posted on another forum…because it was fitting for my journey overall – and since that’s why I blog – here ya go (paraphrased & edited for clarity):

I’ve come to the realization of WHY I was so hype about doing the 28 day weight loss challenge (the DietBet “game” I wrote about here) that I most likely won’t win: the purpose – as I see it – served to put some fire under my hyde and get me back on track. And hopefully KEEP me there!

I’ve been busting my bootay getting work-outs in 5x a week, faithfully journaling my food intake (almost always under my daily calorie goal), eating mostly clean meals… and the scale STILL forsakes me!! (yeah, still playing “the Numbers Game”) I’ve started back to my 5k training (3x a week), and spinning/cycling 5 miles + strength training on alternate days (2x a week)…and though the scale may not show it –  the inches do melt and my body shape transforms.

I guess I need to stop trippin, huh?

A fellow friend on the journey reminded me that my [particular] journey is a bit different because I’ve already lost over 100#.  This last 30-something I need to get off is making me fight for EVERY. SINGLE. POUND!!! and thought I’ve had a few moments of discouragement… I’m over it.

I’ve come a long way – more [weight] behind me than in front of me [to still lose], so if I don’t get to my 4% (the requirement for me to take home a share of the “Winnings” from the DietBet… I’M OK WITH THAT.

ONLY because I know I’ve given my all.

That said, my next short-term goal is to get under 200#… so this challenge has been the spring board to get me there, and It’s ALL GOOD!!

[sh]Emotions

SO, I’ve had enough time be in my feelings, I can write about it.  For those that don’t know – I was “benched” from running last week. (not permanently – but not willingly, either)  I ended up at urgent care in excruciating, incapacitating pain that rendered me unable to sit/stand/climb stairs…or walk without wincing & moaning in pain.

The culprit: Hip Bursitis. Brought on by…ME.  Doing too much, too soon.

I’ve heard “I told you so” (or versions of it. People ain’t slick *pfft*) more than I care to say.  But after all, “pushing through the pain” is generally seen as a good motivational tool and test of HOW BAD DO I REALLY WANT THIS?!? We always hear “no pain, no gain”, right?  Well, apparently that train of thought can be a problem. At least in this case…and that’s one of the most irritating things in this situation.

 

Feeling like my body is forsaking me when I’m striving hard to make positive, life-long changes has put me in a foul mood…Being told of my physical “limitations” makes me want to smack the piss out of someone… 300+ pounds and not being able to climb a flight of stairs without dying 3 times before you get to the top is a “limitation”… Physical pain (neck, back, knees, feet) from carrying around too much weight on this 5’3” frame is a “limitation”… Not being able to run & play with my daughter because of being morbidly obese is a “limitation”.  And I am NEVER going back there.   I guess I just don’t like the connotation of that word  as it applies to my health & fitness and things that I am trying to do to prolong my life. I will just take this as a warning to to LISTEN to my body.  Pushing through sporadic pain is one thing…chronic/increasing pain is another.

Ever-the-drama-queen when things don’t go my way – YES, I was heartbroken and in TEARS when the doctor told me I had to lay off the running.  And as of today, I’m only on the “injured reserve” list for another week, and was advised that I can even get in a brisk walk or two before I start up (start OVER, really) with training again.  Tired of the never-ending challenges [of my sanity], but such as life.

I doubt that folks understand why I even GOT so  in my feelings by the injury.  Well, on top of making [physical] progress, I just felt defeated and in yet another “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” situation.  I’ve come so far with my weight loss and health.  In the homestretch (under 40#) to achieving my total weigh loss goal – and was even on track to hit that by my survey anniversary date later this year.  Finally and consistently working out and LOVING every bit of transitioning from having the “heart of an athlete”, to becoming an actual athlete… LOVING the liberation and freedom and peace that comes from just taking off and wogging/jogging/running like a cool breeze. And then #BAM! Side-lined.

You live, you learn.

I’ve been referred to an orthopedic specialist for further discussion.  My primary care doc said that this is just a temporary set-back, and that with proper proactive pain management (anti-inflammatory & pain me immediately following a work-out) that may be the best way to deal.  Steroid injections are another option should it get “that” bad…but the prognosis is good.  I just have to slowly (over the course of months) build up to what I was trying to do in a few short weeks.  No more than 2-3 miles, no more than 3x a week for the next few months  – NOT including the actual 5k races I have planned on doing.  But again, I can’t even do the minimum  for another week at least.

 
The one thing that I noticed that needs much work – I’m still a VERY emotional eater. Though I haven’t derailed completely and still somehow manage to be on a losing streak…Ive been more lax with journaling my food (thereby paying attention to my caloric intake) over the past week due to having take it easy (and my bruised ego).  Now, it’s time to focus on more core/strength training to balance out the reduced cardio…and fine-tuning my nutritional requirements.

I’ve decided against the Semper Fi 5k on 6/30, and had to bow out gracefully of the mile-a-day running challenge.  BUT – I got an “All clear” for Rebel Race, which is 4 short weeks away.  In addition, I am proceeding as planned with my Central Park jaunt on Father’s Day weekend – even if the “run” turns out to be more  of a brisk “walk”.  After that, I guess we will have to see… Not sure I’ll be able to handle the Yankee Stadium event, but may still try. My focus-forward will be conditioning my body properly to do well & without injury for the MCM 10k in October.  My eye is still on that prize.

I’m basically going to have to reset my athlete clock and start from scratch. But I CAN do this. And it WILL be done…  That don’t mean I have to like the $h!t – but it is what it is and I can’t marinate in that negativity that I’ve let consume me on too many occasions when things do not go as planned.  Too much other life mania going on that also requires my focus.

So. Time to rebuilding the machine.  One screw at a time…

 

Set-backs & Come-backs

Greetings faithful few!

As usual, I have fallen off on my progress updates & general chatter. I’ve been pretty quiet because, well, I’ve gained some weight. Like, 10 pounds worth. It’s a long story so I will give you the quick & dirty: Headed to a Dr’s appointment because I was feeling “off”.  Extra sluggish, lethargic, and…well, FAT. (Despite the fact that I had very little diversion from my plan & exercise…I just felt like crap.  That’s the only way to put it. And I felt like I LOOKED like the same crap that I felt like). After my doc telling me that I have hypothyroidism. AND…a heart murmur… I’ve just been having a grand lil pity party. And it needs to STOP. *sigh*
Just disgusted that everything I’ve been doing to combat the last bit of weight I need to get off (now 50#) – is being counteracted by this “condition”. And it has pissed me off – greatly.

Along with my overall feeling of craptasticness, I had also been experiencing a loss of creative energy that had pretty much stalled my jewelry business. So needless to say that since I’ve been back from my R&R Houston trip, I have not been myself.

Stylin'...

On Saturday, I has a birthday party to go to that, honestly, I didn’t feel like going to b/c of how I’d been feeling lately.  But I went.  I figured it was a good reason to go be in the company of friends, have a laugh, and draw from the positive energy around me.  I think it worked!  Once I got dressed, I took a couple of pics. What I saw was this:

Looking ALOT smaller than I feel...

 

   No too bad, eh?

I guess despite how fat I feel – I still see how far I’ve come.  And even though its taking me ALOT longer than anticipated to finish this journey (ie: get to my goal weight), I’m still in the fire-fight.

Looking good don’t always mean feeling good [about self] – but I’m working to get back to that place.

That’s all I’ve got for now…

 

P.S. I’m getting my jewelry mojo back 😉  Check me out on Pinterest!

“Mirror, Mirror…”

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the skin-ti-est of them all…? *tongue-in-cheek*

 

Mirror, Mirror...

 

First, I want to say Thank You for the overwhelming response to the Transformation slide show. That, in part, is what prompted this blog today. I’m really trying to reconcile in my mind what is see in the MIRROR versus what I see in PICTURES.  Like, seriously.  These shots that are peppering this post? The ones of my taking a picture of myself IN the mirror? Yeah – it’s like, when I’m looking IN the mirror, I’m not viewing/processing it as I do when I look at the picture. I wouldn’t go as far to say as “body dysmorphic disorder” – but sometimes it feel that way…

For example: in this PICTURE, I see a regular looking body. Average size, etc…etc…etc.  However, when I was standing in the MIRROR, I still just see…Gina. Be it size 24 Gina or size 14. It’s just…Me. Gina…

I’m not quite sure why this is such a mental thing for me, or if other people who have had WLS surgery go through the same mental/emotional battles/reckoning. A good friend of mine saw the slideshow yesterday and said “Wow…I never really saw you at that/any size. I always just saw Gina…”  That to me, summed it up. As much as I was the proverbial “Big Girl & Proud of It” – as was extremely comfortable in that skin…I never really saw my SIZE (that is, until I look back at older pictures now that I lost weight). Just as now, I don’t see my SIZE…I just see…me.

It could very well be that I was in denial. And in part – that could be it.  I mean, I knew I was a big girl, fat, whatever you want to call it…But I also knew that I looked pretty damned good for my size, or so I “thought”. But I also knew that I was big…and I had NO problem with that part of it.  It wasn’t until I physically started feeling the ramifications of all that weight on this 5’3″ frame that I really knew I had to do something quick.  But that would meant that I’m also in denial now, right?  Sometimes, it’s like I’m denying to myself that I’ve actually lost that much weight.  Like it’s NOT dramatic, or monumental, or fit-for-print.

I think it may be the fact that i had surgical intervention versus losing it all on my own, like I shouldn’t be “as” proud. For the most part, 75% of the loss has been fairly effortless.  But after that first 75#, it started getting harder.  The last 30# I lost took significant work on my part. And now, with goal in sight, I am having to work extra hard to keep pushing the tool – that is, the Vertical Sleeve – to it’s limits. Thereby, pushing myself harder.

Harder to keep making the best choices for my health…

Harder to keep forcing myself to exercise even when I’ve worked all day, or I’m operating on 3 hours of sleep, or dealing with a cranky 3 schooler who is vying for my undivided attention, or just spent 6 hours straight sitting at a table creating wearable “art” and my eyes are crossing…

Harder to NOT fall back into the whole “emotional eating” patterns that got me to the surgeon’s office in the first place (which was damn-near MURDER given the year 2011 I had (loss of a job, pseudo-single parenting while my husband was caring for a terminally ill parent, traveling back & forth up to NYC to assist hubby with the aforementioned, 3 year old starting pre-school, re-entering the workforce, trying to grow my small businesses in the wake of financial distress, etc…etc..etc…*whew*)

As if all of that isn’t enough – I’m still having to work on the the self-esteem part of the equation.  And THAT is not something I ever had a problem with. So why is it now??? Granted, I was warned by the surgeon, nurtitionist, and in pre-op counseling about all of these “issues” being a very real thing for most folks who have undergone similar transformations…but  I didn’t think it would be as big as an issue as it is.  I WILL say that this may be one of the biggest pitfalls of WLS.  Certainly those who have lost 100 or more pounds by them self don’t go through this image distortion, do they?  MAybe is that-much-more appreciated when it’s done the good ole’ fashioned way. But, that’s neither here nor there. Just a thought!

There is one plus on the looks side, that a few people have mentioned to me. And that is: that if they didn’t “know” I’d had weight-loss surgery, then, well…they wouldn’t know.

my new "normal"

That is something that always concerned me.  I didn’t want to “look” like I’d had it – kinda like when people have some work done on their face, they don’t want folks to know they’d been to a plastic surgeon.  I don’t want to forever be someone that had weight loss surgery (thought there is no shame in it for me), I want to at some point be known as someone who did something (extreme as it may be) to get healthy.

At least I succeeded on that front. I sure as hell FEEL alot better than I did 15 months ago…but I also need to keep working on the mental/emotional health after-the-fact.  I think that there is alot to that piece and that the rabbit hole can go very deep.  So many people have so many different issues, that it’s hard to try to make sense of some of the bits & pieces that are entangled mind/body/soul.

*sigh*

I would LOVE to one day look in the mirror and say “HOT DAMN! Look at all that weight you lost, guhl! I see you, Boo!”.  But for now, I will be happy with the pictorial images that confirm that this is NOT all a dream 🙂   I am the same person I’ve always been.  Just in a smaller package… I can’t deny that, anymore than I can deny/disassociate myself from my former bigger self (as much as I want to sometimes, based on some of those heinous pics!). I am who I am. I was proud of who I was then…and proud of who I am now. That should go without saying, right? Well, I’ve also come to notice that people (in general. not family/friends, but strangers/misc people) TREAT me differently than when I was obese.  And it makes me ANGRY – for the reason I said before – I am the same Gina.  But that’s a different blog, for a different day.  I’ve been meaning to touch on the treatment of “fat” people in society (which I STILL consider myself at over 200#)…but everytime I start writing, I get so angry I can’t think straight. So, it will wait…

N-E-Ways…

I know I have rambled and digressed ALOT.  But I got it out.  I think the bottom line is that 15 months in…I still have YET to see what others see [physically] when they look at me.  But I want to make it clear – this is NOT about self-love or being happy with myself. This – at least, for me – is about acceptance and truly SEEING/OWNING the tremendous change in my APPEARANCE. (But if you have never struggled with weight and/or lost a significant amount of weight – it’s unlikely that you will never understand)

NOW, the question is: who else on this journey has had similar issues?  What do you think was at the root of it?  How did you work through it?

Gettin my groove back

Greetings my Good People!

I know it’s been a hella long minute since I’ve updated. My life has been nothin short of chaos for the past 3 months. That being said – I haven’t lost my focus – even though I lost my day job.I will say though – that this time has helped me really prioritize my life and what’s important…and my health (physical, mental, AND spiritual) is at the top of the heap.

Feeling Accomplished after ZUMBA

The time I spent in NYC motivated me to get out & move more, and that’s something I brought home with me. When I was there – some days Id walk 3 or 4 miles a day. I’d run & play in the park w/my daughter…I’d just get up and move as much as possible. I really attribute this last 15-20# I lost (in the past 2 mnths) to that. On top of that – I realized that moving got my juices flowin…so to speak. It made me WANT to move/do more…and when I do get up/out & move…I feel…vixen-ish! *lol*

Seriously – I really thought my mojo was gone for good. But it is slowly resurfacing. It kicked into overdrive this week with the start of my Zumba obession – thanks to many friends, and a persistent neighbor (also a WLS gal) who wasn’t allowing me to keep making excuses. Zumba is the $h!t! *lol* As much as I lovessssss me some belly dancing, I think I’ve taken on a new luv-ah! (even though some of the core techniques are the same – which is probably why i love it so much!) I’ll be going once a week, and also taking a step-class on an alternate day. There is nothing sexier than sweating off the pounds by shakin my booty-meat for an hour straight *lol* Nothin says “Sexy” like a sweaty love-cave *lmao*.

60# to go!

You know – I really thought that Miss Mojo was gone for good. I just hadn’t been feeling myself. More self conscious than I’ve EVER been in my LIFE. And it kinda saddened me. I was wondering if I would ever feel like that vivacious vixen ever again. But she is slowly-but- surely rearing her beautiful flame-haired self again. Now, I still have some concerns with saggy skin & what-not, but I’m actually very pleased w/how it’s coming off. I’m starting to have quite the svelte lil’ figure, if I might say so myself! Even my arm-flaps are fallin in to line.

(Who says the shake weight doesn’t work?!)

On another note: I’ve gotta say that this journey has been well-worth everything I’ve gone thru to get here. I’m at a

VERY transitional time in my life altogether. This not having a 9-5 job has stressed me to no end.BUT, it has forced me to operate in my God-given gifts & talents.

unique, artistic, handmade jewels...by MOI!

My jewelry business is taking off to the sky, and my newest venture is off to a great running start.  I’m always up for networking – so if you don’t know…NOW you know. Check them out! www.ggxjewels.com (unique, artistic, handmade jewelry) and www.present-this.com (virtual assistant services). Who woulda thunk I’d ever have to be FORCED into living my dream (and looking good doing it!?)

Welp – that’s all that’s suitable for print right now… See y’all in ONEderland soon (29# to get there!)!!

Having my cake and EATING it too! *mmmmm, caaaaaakkeeeeee*

Howdy faithful few!
I’m currently enroute from NYC and trying to kill some time of this bus, so figured what better time to update. (Speaking of buses: I’m COMFORTABLY seated WITH my winter coat on…and someone STILL chose to sit beside me when there were other seats available. That would/has have/not never/ever happened before!)

I know that I spoke before on my magic birthday number (235#) Welp, my bday has come & gone, and I’m still 5# away from that “goal”. Though I WILL say that I am now down a total of 70 friggen pounds! *cue party music* I can’t even believe it! Now as I’ve said before, I’m more than halfway to my total goal weight loss of 135# (may decide more, ultimately – but for now…I’m content w/getting down to 175) and this next 65# is gonna be a beast to lose…but I’m up for the challenge.

Real quick: one of the things I’ve noticed is that I no longer have to “talk myself into” better daily [food] choices – it just kinda happens without a second thought most often. I know that making better choices daily not only helps me stay on track, but also affords me the opportunity to indulge – FREE OF GUILT (on occassion). This is definately a new feeling for me. I had been so use to over indulging and being so gluttonous (especially when cake/cookies/sweets) were involved that I had started to hide/sneak these types of things. Knowing damn well my fat @$$ had ZERO biz tryna eat three or FOUR cupcakes (or similar serving size of junk *hangs head in pure & utter shame*) in ONE sitting. Now, while I still look forward to the occasional goodie to indulge in…I can hold my head high as I feed my face full of yummy goodness and say “Yeah, ANNDDDDD??”.

That brings me to another point – people who once they know you are on a weight loss/life altering journey constantly watching what you put in your mouth. I’m not talking about folks who genuinely offer a chin-check when they see you doing some seriously detrimental eating $hit. I’m talking about folks (like my dear, sweet G’ma) who are trying to feed me yogart, soup, & pedialyte for the rest of my life *lol* and/or those who have some other vice (ie: more-than-just-social and/or binge drinker/smoker, or sex-a-holic/hoebag/manwhore) JUST as detrimental as someone who is obese/fat who still struggles with their “addiction”. Why is it that fat folk get shunned/talked about/surveyed – but for the folks out there doing their thing, it’s no BFD “just something to do for the hell of it”? Or is it because us fatty’s wear the evidence of our addiciton/bad choices…while others are able to cameflauge their vices under the guise of living the champagne/sex & the city life? I’ve always wondered that. I’ve been fat a longggggg time, and have had some of the most out of the way, cruel, unbelievable things said to me, by people (sometimes total strangers puffing on a pack of cancer-sticks *eyeroll* who don’t have their own $h!t together.

All that to say – even through this weightloss journey, even after having lost 70#, even after I reach my goal – I pray that I always remember what I went through, what emotional damage was done, and be kind to others who may be in the shoes I used to fill. I know I’ll always be a fatgurl at heart (I hear Wendy Williams say something similar A LOT, even though she is ever bit of a svelte six 6 at this point – except her boobs!), and I hope that always keeps me humble. Just like most folk these days are only a paycheck away from being one of the homeless people they often turn their nose up at, some of us on this journey are one financial/mental/fill-in-the-blank disaster away from [emotionally] eating ourselves back up the scale (one binge away from alcohol poisoning/rehab, or one 1-night-stand away from the free clinic).

*whew* ok, I’m wayyyy off topic here. IDK where I was going with some of that…but that’s what came out. Do with it what you will.

I’m going to tie this up so I can catch a few Z’ssss on the last leg of this bus ride, and prepare my mind for all of the yummy goodness I’ll be diving into at my belated bday dinner party tomorrow. And yes – I’m even going to have some CAKE. Lots of it – IF I so desire. And I tripple dog dare a mofo to say. A. Word. I’m gonna have my cake an eat it too….WHO GON CHECK ME, BOO?

Arm Meat & Water Balloons

Week 8 under the bridge! And I must say I’m happy w/the weightloss thus far, though obviously from some of my previous blogs it hasn’t been w/out a myriad of challenges (emotional AND physical).  

Let me cut to the chase – this blog is about my newly evolving self image. IE: mega-body consciousness. As much as I like to think I’m cute (because I SOOOOOOOOO am – at least most of the time *lol*)…I’m having increasing difficulty w/the reality of Skin-Meat. You know, the extra flaps & sagging & such. I noticed that my arms are doing the windflap thing and my skin is looking a lot “older” (wrinkly). The fat filled it out quite nicely, I think *lol* I’ve also come to the conclusion (long before this) that ill never have Beyonce legs. I’m ok with that. I AM exercising & toning and working my lil 5# dumbells, but b/c I carry A LOT of my weight in my legs, the saggage & jiggle is already a bit much. A “WHOLE LOT” bit much…  

I’m only about 45# down now… but 100# from now? *eek* I won’t even talk about my favorite Girls – The Wondertwins. (Ok, just a LITTLE bit *snark*) Besides my bras all being too big, the wondertwins have rapidly… deflated. Making them even more saggy than they were before – but a different KIND of saggy.  Imagine, if you will… A water balloon. When full to the brim with water, you have a nice, round, buoyant balloon, that fits nicely in the palm of your hand [or two]. Remove half of the water from the same balloon…and when you hold it from the knotted end…the poor thing just flops down, swinging, and lifeless, and…flat. BAH! 

One of my dear friends is going thru her own weightloss journey and has already lost close to 50 (not the same route as me, but via the good old fashioned diet & exercise) … she said something that made me REALLY think about starting my “Cougar Fund” – the stash I’m going to save for my body/boob lift when I 40 (after baby #2). She said: “I’m not doing all this work [to lose this weight] to spend the rest of my life hiding in foundation garments” (ie: spanx, body magic).  I TOTALLY get that. I mean, after all is said & done, it’s all about being healthy… BUT I also want to be comfortable and CONFIDENT in my [new] skin. If I was confident WITH all the weight on, I should be just as confident with it OFF. And anyone who goes thru a drastic weightloss and doesn’t have some type of body issue – as least at first, I need to talk to to figure out how they avoided it. In my clothes? YEAH, BABY!!! I’m starting to look like a real MILF. But out of them? Not so much.

I find myself overly concerned with the boobs-gone-awry, my arm floaties, and the “mushy” feel creeping up over most of my body (which is new for me – since my previous fat was rather solid). I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll probably never see my cooch again, since it will be hidden under my fallen stomach-soufflé[s] (but I guess as long as the hubby can find it, I won’t worry about that too much *lol*) Overall, I’m A LOT more self conscious now, than I ever was at my biggest –  which was only a few short months ago. Ultimately…I’m just going to have to suck it up for the duration. Keep wearing my foundation garments to help pull my skin in as I continue my way down the scale. I’m going to really have to ramp up my weights/toning routine, versus just cardio & booty-building…I WILL DO MY PART. Now, I’m just hoping the Weight Loss Skin gods do theirs…b/c as it stands, I very well may not ever see myself as the Vixen that I used to be. That’s just real talk. *shrug*
 

In any event – I’m looking forward to some GOOD FOOD tomorrow. Granted, it will be a far cry from Thanksgiving as I’ve known it up until this point, but a lil turkey & greens never hurt anybody… 

Happy Thanksgiving, TURKEYS!!!