My Invisible Life?

I’ve been blessed to have an amazing support system on this journey. And over the past few months that I’ve been on Instagram, my support circle has grown…and includes alot of people who have also used weight loss surgery to battle obesity. A posting on someone’s page today stuck me deep. I won’t quote, but the gist of the comment was something to the effect of “I wish I had more ‘before’ pictures (referring to before the drastic weightloss) but I felt pretty invisible in my life then” – or SOMETHING to that effect. And it was a sentiment that I have read or heard MANY times from people on a similar journey. That they felt invisible.

*trying to compute, but it just doesn’t resonate*

Anyone who knows me, knows that couldn’t be FARTHER from the truth *lol* I was (am?) a total camera whore…who never shied away from a good photo-op. I never felt like anything other than the bodacious, beautiful center of attention. I was never at a loss for male attention – and my shape/size/stature (OBESITY) was even celebrated by some. That was MY life. And if I’m going to be 100% honest, I will say that I feel more invisible AFTER losing over 100#, than I did at my largest (totally different blog topic. Still working thru the why’s of it).

…in all my big gal “visibility”. couldn’t tell me JACK!

I get that each person’s journey is different, and their experience alone. You can’t tell anyone how they should feel or process their feelings, and everyone has [the right] to work through their own emotional mess. I also know that I, personally, cannot under stand how some people choose to totally disassociate their post weight loss selves with their former obese selves – as if they are two totally different people. In theory, yes. I get that. I DO GET that there is a mindset shift/change/and transformation that has to take place in order to be successful. But in my case, in my mind I’m still Gina. Size 24…size 14…and every size in between or below that!

YES, I have become a new creature, so to speak. YES, my mind has been transformed to allow for the necessary changes to take effect where my health is concerned. YES I know that I can’t resort back to my old ways & habits, lest I end up back where I started 3 years ago.

Yes.

Yes!

1ooo times YES!!!

I get it.

But in my head, I will ALWAYS be battling with my inner Fat Girl, much like an addict battles with their addiction years after they are clean & sober. But that is MY personal story…and I’m uncertain that I will ever be able to totally disown my [food] addiction just because by the grace of God (and medical intervention) I’ve found a way to “get clean”.

A very dear friend left this comment on my previous post, and it renewed my spirit for the rest of the journey, and helped me to realize that for most (including self) this will be a LIFE LONG battle that won’t end at a goal weight.

“A close family member struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years. He went through multiple trips to rehab and all the other assorted things people do to “kick the habit”. Finally, after an epic meltdown which resulted in him losing his job, wife, and home in a single bender he tried NA.

Some months later, he asked me if I’d go to one of his meetings with him just to see what it was like. He’d been clean and sober for a few months and was eager to share this new found experience. I went. Many things from the experience stuck with me, but the most memorable were the words of the people who’d been clean and sober for years. To my surprise, they still described themselves as addicts. That struck me because it was an acknowledgement that all the bad things that they’d overcome were still a part of their present day selves. It wasn’t that they’d conquered their challenges, more like they’d learn to peacefully co-exist with them on their terms. Many times when people talk about how they’re going to “beat” this challenge or “overcome” that obstacle they neglect to appreciate that the obstacle is always going to be a part of them…”

so NOT invisible *lol*

Certainly, it’s discouraging as hell sometimes when I’m doing all in my power to see the results that may come easy for others. But despite my propensity for feeling invisible — ie: uncomfortable — in my “new skin”, I keep going. Almost 3 years later I am still dealing with alot of the mental & emotional ish that goes along with a drastic physical transformation. But bet your bottom dollar that I will not allow that to keep me in that unhealthy physical place where I felt far more comfortable (read: more “visible”, so to speak).

The fat I used to “wear” so proudly now feels more like a death trap…and I think it’s that which gives way to some of the “invisibility” factor for ME. I still have a longggg way to go…and sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m not there yet (see my previous post on this matter). I shrink into the background because there are only but so many “progress pics” I can post to validate myself when I’m at a virtual stand still. (that’s what the whole progress pic/comparison shot thing is about…if you didn’t know *lol*. Sometimes its the only way to see (read: validate) your success)

But I know I’m doing The Work.

Let’s face it, ALL of us who are truly committed to this journey are here because we are willing to do the work. Whether or not I will ever see my “magic number” should be of no consequence. The fact that I have changed my life (and thereby my health) should speak far louder than any numbers on the scale can read….

I’m just Gina, after all is said & done. A pseudo invisible food addict in recovery…A Fat Girl in a smaller body than before, with improved sensibilities making better choices and DOING SOMETHING to improve my quality of life.

AND…

I’m too “Gone with the Wind FABULOUS” to be… invisible. Always have been, always will be.

#runteldat

Epic FAIL(ure)…

 

So I’ve been trying to write this particular post for 2 weeks.

It started with me having an emotional moment (or two, or three, or ten) about not having my weight loss goal yet – coming up on year 3.  I had a pity-party, and shook it off. I found a new workout to channel my energy into (Kettlebells ROCK – more on that later)…made some progress on the scale. Was feeling great about coming up out of an almost year-long stall/plateau. *sigh* (and YES, I keep coming back to the Numbers Game – after all, the whole point of surgery was for me to move OUT of the obesity category)

I guess it would help if I verbalized what sends me off the emotional cliff as far as not reaching my goal is concerned. If not for others to understand, for MY SELF to get a hold of.  The fact that so many people look to me for support, and encouragement.  The fact that so many folks have not hesitated to tell me how much I’ve inspired them.  The fact that in the past 2 years, so many people in my circle (real life/online) have used my journey/success as an added boost to kick them in the @$$ and get them on a serious pathway to heath – either via a lifestyle/nutrition/exercise change – AND/OR helped them to decide to use surgery as a tool to fight [morbid] obesity and reclaim their health.

That’s all good, right?

Well, in my head (sometimes) it makes me feel like a failure.

a big. fat. EPIC. failure.

Why?

It’s quite simple: I still struggle DAILY with my weight. Still. Every. Single. DAY.

How can I continue to serve as “inspiration” when I can’t even get all the weight off WITH the help of surgery?

I’m not yet to my goal almost 3 years post-op; I’ve seen people who have had surgery well after me lose more than me – some with little effort, some with 3 times the effort that I literally can’t afford to put in to workouts/healthier organic food options.  I do what I can with my resources. I get 45 minute workout’s in 4-5x a week, b/c that’s what time I have I have available. I make fairly solid nutritional choices and on a daily basis and generally stay within my daily caloric allotment. And I’m doing all I was taught to do (in nutrition class, and pre-op counseling, and post-op research/study, etc)…and all I know I should be doing to get the rest of this weight off.

BUT…the scale keeps laughing in my face.

YES: I’ve lost an amount equivalent to a “small person”.
YES: I have much less to still lose than I’ve already shed from this frame.
YES: I’ve maintained my weigh loss in the face of varied & sundry health issues.
YES: I. Know. THIS!

 

My surgeon is not concerned. Nor is my doctor. Such a “stall” in loss is quite common after the 2 year mark.

Meh. *shrug*

And while some people think I’m being way too hard on myself…I MUST BE…and will continue to be for this reason: One thing’s for certain and two thing’s for sure: I ain’t NEVER. EVER…going back down that path to 300+ again. Not EVER!

So, much like someone who has never lost a job can truly empathize with someone who just got notice that they’ve been canned… Or someone who has never experienced the loss of a parent can genuinely FEEL that particular type of grief…  Sympathy – certainly!  But truly feeling & understanding at the core – what I’m going thru…not really possible.  But that is also because we all have our own story that effects how we relate/cope/adapt/etc. in any given situation. More to point: if you are not a person who has had weight loss surgery, can not fully grasp all of the emotional/mental bits & pieces of the puzzle…and can not fully understand my struggle with this particular portion of the weight loss journey. It would be impossible to.

There, I said it.

And while I will not WALLOW in my feelings –  I have a right to own them, process them, get them out of my system, and move on.  That’s one of the reason’s I created this blog at the inception of my journey.  I know me. And I knew that there would be ALOT of things to deal with on the emotional/mental end of the spectrum.  But in all honesty here, what I DID not expect, was to have to WORK SO HARD.

There, I said it (again).

So…. it is what it is, was what it was, and will be what it will be.

I’ve not given up. I WILL not give up. And I WILL win the fat-fight!  As I was reminded in one of my fitness forums: this is a LIFELONG journey. So what, I’m not at my weight goal yet.  I WILL get there. EVENTUALLY. And I’m learning to be ok with that (verrrrry slowwwwwllly, but surely).  What other choice do I have right?

I’ve also come to realize that my disappointment and feeling of failure is only because I DO truly want this…and I AM committed to this. And I am DOING this.

 

That’s half the battle right there.

MY. battle.

And I will fight [the fat] to the finish!

Please believe it…

…on a MISSION

I know it’s been SO long since I blogged. I apologize. I’ve been reminded that I serve as an inspiration to others and that I need to keep [the inspiration] coming. Sometimes that gets lost on me. But I look around and realize that I have no less than 7 people among friends/aquaintances on the EXACT same path as me (in terms of surgery) and I want them to know it’s going to be justttt fineeee. I ALSO want

Yup. I posted a skivvy’s pic. AND? Looks like a bikini to me… *shrug*

folks to know that I’m tired of hiding all my hard work — so here is #BAM pic just for y’all. I’m officially working on my Summer 2013 beach body.

Things got really crazy and I’ve been wanting to go on & on about the Rebel Race and then some. I completed the obstacle course without a glitch. I only skipped one obstacle that seemed to be claiming victims (broken ankles & feet & such). I was tired. Beat down. but…I DID it. And that’s all that mattered to me. I felt empowered to the point that I took on another challenge. I committed to doing the Zombie 5k Obstacle course AND the MCM 10k — in the SAME weekend. I didn’t want to miss out on either…so, I figured I would [wo]man-up, and get ‘er done. More to come on that.

In other news — I donned a bathing suit in public SANS COVER UP for the very first time in probably 20+ years. It was liberating!

*copy & paste from another forum post regarding the aforementioned*

“…FREEDOM 

This post is EPIC for any number of reasons. The main thing being I am showing my ham-hocks, which is something I DON’T do. EVER. I’ve joked a lot about “keeping up the appearances” [of my sexiness *lol*] and my legs have always been the area I’m most self-conscious about…so I just keep them under wraps.

Today, I decided to go out in public, in my suit, sans anything to hide behind. And I felt goooodddddd. Liberated. FREE! A little shy at first, but after I saw what some folks were walking around in, I proudly commenced to strutting my [jiggly] stuff! I even got a few compliments on the suit which led me to believe that ppl weren’t totally grossed out by my appearance.

 What I did learn is that there are size 2’s with hella cellulite & stretchmarks. And there are size 20’s with neither of those to be found (go figure!). And while it’d be nice to have the “perfect” figure or the Tina Turner legs i could only dream of – I never will. Its not in the cards after major weightloss (or in my DNA, for that matter).

 Ive lost a ton of weight – yes. I work out – yes (and still have a ways to go.) Truth is this body has been through some things. Years of abuse & mistreatment from an unhealthy food life. And “rehab” for me is in not being ashamed of where I’ve come from – or where u am today.

There are quite a few folks I know in a similar path…i just want all to know to be PROUD of who you are becoming/will become. Flaws, flabby thigh-meat, and all…”

It’s been a very good few weeks in terms of progress. Just recently, I had one of those “that moment when[s]…” happen: “That moment when…”You (I) realize that the person you see in the mirror is not some other [hot, sexy, gorgeous, bombshell, fit, fabulous, *insert any suitable adjective here*], but it is YOU (me)!”

starting to venture out & wear things I would have NEVER put on this body before

I celebrated my business 7 year anniversary this past Friday and had a little celebration party where I was blessed to rock a design that a dear friend made for me. Her talent is obvious – but when I saw myself in it — it was exactly what I needed to remind me that my work IS paying off. (#GGXROX! http://www.ggxjewels.com *shameless self promotion*). Good news on the biz front. Yeah. BUT, the better news …is what is seen in this comparison shot. I have lost…an entire [albeit small] person. THAT ALONE is enough for me to continue to forge the road ahead.

With my 2 year “Surgi-versary” a little less than 2 months away, I would like to see 20# off of me in that time, and I am going H.A.M. to see that it happens (or at least comes within 5# or so). My next 5k (Yankee Stadium Runyon) is in 2 weeks, so steadily readying myself for that. One thing that I would have never thought would be that I could SEE so much progress in my body shape even without seeing any [real] change in the numbers on the scale. This pic proves me WRONG. 3 months and maybe 5#…and LOOK!

Running is working for me. Now, I know my limitations with this hip situation…so I am sticking with only two 3-mile RUNS per week, with 2 or 3 1-mile walks sprinkled in to keep me going. Oh yeah — and weight training on the 1 mile days to continue to tighten things up as much as possible.

I must say — I was unaware of how many people were reading these blogs…until I stopped posting. But I hear you loud and clear faithful few. I won’t wait so long until next time. I promise 🙂

Until next time…. STAY FOCUSED!!

Healthy is the new Sexy

Greetings Good People!!

It’s been a minute, I know.  Life takes over sometimes.  I’ve been trying to pen a blog for the past week or so, just could never get alone with my thoughts long enough to hash it out.  Today’s musings may be rather sporadic, random, and haphazard, but try to bear with me.

Where to start……?

It’s been about a week since my last real work out. I’m hard-headed and tend to over-do it.  I’m hella overzealous when it comes to running for some reason. I think that I just want to prove to myself that this is life for me now…and not just some healthy “phase”.  On top of fearing gaining my weight back – I just want to make super certain that I’m doing what I need to do on my end.  That frame of mind, however, led to me having to chill out for a bit.  My hip had really been hurting, as my lower back, screw-foot, and then later my achilles on the same side as the sore hip (opposite side of the screw foot).  I went to have a gait analysis at the advice of a few fellow runners…and found out that AT LEAST I am wearing the right shoes.  Bottom line is, I just can’t be running (yup, I said “can’t be” *lol*) 3+ miles every time…especially back to back. *sadface*  That said, I am starting this week fresh.  And coming off of a holiday weekend where I enjoyed a bit of guilt-free pseudo gluttony.  As I mentioned, I’m part of a few only fitness groups & such to help keep me grounded.  I posted the other day my thoughts – as I saw a lot of people seemed to be extremely worried about how to handle the weekend without getting off track.

My thoughts, quite simply stated:

 “I wish I could say that I counted every calorie and worried about everything I put in my mouth. But I didn’t… I used common sense on portions, drunk a lot of water, and if I saw something I wanted – I ate it (portion control). To my surprise, the scale is -1# from Thursday. I’m guessing that the regular workouts, the general healthy eating, and portion control keep your body/metabolism going, even on “splurge”days. Granted, all of our bodies are different – but it just reminded me to not be so hard on myself and to not obsess so much over one “weekend”. Health is for life, ladies. We are all doing well! Let’s keep the momentum going…”

Be good to your body, and your body will be good to you… I truly believe that.

Now, onto something else that has been on my mind: what do you do when you just DONT feel like finishing a workout? Since my general workout of choice is running (big surprise), I will use that as my point of reference. One of my playlist POWER songs is “Please don’t stop the music” (Rihanna).  I never put too much thought into how much music CAN take us there until my last run. I mean, most of us know that a good workout playlist is important…but my last pavement pounding, I was just TIRED.com/#theend. I had only done a mile, but was at a point where I could either go back into my neighborhood to go home, or keep going to get another mile in. I hit the “power song” button on the Nike+ app, and BOOM. Beyonce’ “Run the World” (#dontjudgeme!) came on. Just the song I needed on that day to kick my bootay into gear. I sucked it up, and did another mile.  Tired, but inspired.  So, if you DON’T have a kick-@$$ playlist, you need to get you one…STAT!

Today I start day one of a running challenge – running 1 mile a day until July 4.  I don’t foresee any problem with that.  Since i’ve had a few days off, I am committing to 3 miles today, as I know that I’ll still need to get a couple days of C25k training in to work on my distance.  Thinking that daily mileage will definitely help me work on my pace.  We shall see! If you are also up for the challenge…join me! The Runner’s World Summer Running Streak started on Memorial Day, but it’s not to late to get on board.  LET’s.  GO!

Let’s see…what else?

Oh yes – Remember the blog post from a while back about my “teeny bopper” threads? Well, I FINALLY had the chance to wear the dress over the weekend.  And it was TOO BIG! Not gaping, sloppy big…but big enough for me to have to rig it, and know that I’m going to have to get my personal seamstress to hook me up right (shout out to Tee Jay of Midnight Sensations!!!)

This dress is EVERYTHANGGGGGG!!!

One last thing: I think I’m finally – after almost 2 years…realizing that my life is forever changed.  That I am fitness/health MINDED. That my body & spirit is a testament to that.  And for me…this is REAL. it’s TANGIBLE.

This body…IS…ME. And that cliche’ it may be, but “Healthy IS the new Sexy”.  You couldn’t have paid me to drink the kool aid on THAT thought years ago.  And I’m not saying skinny/slim [automatically] IS sexy, or plus size/full-figured is [automatically] NOT sexy. (just like I’m not saying that every size 6 person is automatically healthy, or that every size 16 person is automatically unhealthy. Thats another blog for another day)

BUT >>> How I feel after a good run? How I feel wearing clothes that look good on my frame? How I feel about being able to go up a flight of stairs without being winded?  Like a sex goddess.  I mean, as sexy as I thought I was 3 years ago…is NOTHING compared to how I feel these days.  And thought it’s been said many, manyyyyy times before about sex appeal, it truly is something that comes from within. Proper nutrition, good choices, & sound frame of mind, couple with exercise is…sexy [to me].  And like I said in my very FIRST blog post on my journey:

“Beauty (even sexy) can be found at any size… From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life”

 

That is my goal…to be inherently, undeniably, internally sexy. HEALTH, plays a HUGE part in that. So, are you down?  You better go-head on and GET YOU SOME [sexy].

 

Welp.  That’s all I’ve got. I’m looking at the clock, and it’s that time.  #gottarun (literally)

 

A Dream Deferred, Realized, and Then Some!

#word

Spring 2012 Has turned out to be amazingggggggggggggg for me – in terms of overall progress.  The “Athlete at Heart” has transformed into a real-life Athlete! I’m doing things I only dreamed of doing. I’m in LOVE with running, I’m succeeding at maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and I’m beginning to LOVE this skin I’m in (flaws, flaps,  & all – and that has taken some time…believe me!)

One of my fave throwback pics. Circa 2003.

Sometimes, it’s to the point that I don’t even recognize myself.  But not in the physical sense – though I am starting to reconcile the physical changes FINALLY.  But I’m speaking more about who I am becoming overall.

WHO is this woman that looks forward to…WORKING OUT? *blink, blink*  Getting out in the fresh-air and going for a run? (to the point that on Mother’s Day, I asked hubby for a simple gift: TIME TO MYSELF. He watched the kid…so I could lace up my running shoes!)

WHO is this woman that has become uber conscious of nutrition, caloric intake, good fat/bad fat, killing old habits, and “choices…choices…choices…” (even the occasional bad one *lol*)

WHO is this woman seemingly obsessed with competitive fitness feats (even if *I* am my own competition, and I’m trying to beat my last 5k workout time)?

WHO is this woman who can’t believe that I’m finally here…

WHO.

IS.

THIS.

WOMAN?!

Funny thing? She is ME!  I’m telling y’all…  And I know some folks are sooooo tired of hearing about all of this.  But when you spend over 30 years not taking care of yourself/health, and then have that moment where you know everything has to change…and go through the process to get there…then actually GET THERE [in your head]. It’s nothing short of amazing.  At least for me.

Something else quite notable is that I get EXCITED thinking about these physical challenges. I mean over-the-moon excited!  As you know, I promised myself to do one competitive race per month.  Then I got roped into up’ing the anti and really taking myself to task with the Rebel Race obstacle challenge (which just so happens to be the very next weekend after my next 5k).  But for so long I dreamed of being able to do something like this…that I just get carried away with the idea that I CAN DO IT.

I can.

I have.

I am!

In fact – it was not just the dream of running, but running in a very particular place that always appealed to me.  I’ve seen it so many times on tv & movies.  Seen so many pictures.  Heard of so many events taking place there…that it always seemed to be larger-than-life to me (as someone who is not from there).  Last year, I spent my daughter’s birthday amidst the beauty of the place…and fell in love. And it was at that moment, I decided that one day, I would conquer it:

CENTRAL PARK.

cannot WAIT to pound THIS pavement!

YESSIR!  Father’s Day weekend I’ll be heading up to the Big City…and have carved out some time to live this dream. Roughly 6 miles of beauty and things of TV legend. *swoooooooooooooon* And rain (within reason *lol*) or shine – victory shall be MINE!!

So…yeah.  That’s what has been up with me! Just excitement.  About life. Granted, there is still alot going on with me, but this fitness journey is also providing me a way of channeling my energy into something positive. SO THANKFUL for growth. And those in my cheering section.  Were it not for y’all? Yeah…perish the thought.

That said – that’s all that’s fit for print.  As I look at the clock, I realize I’ll be lacing up the running shoes in about an hour to hit a new route.  Also… I’ve switched from the Map my Run app to the Nike+ app.  Anyone wanna play TAG???  I’m down.

Until then…

slowly but surely the Vixen is vanishing…

Parting Ways

It’s been a rough couple of weeks… as I lost someone close to me. Parting ways with a physical life…someone who had such a big presence…  is extremely difficult for me. Channeling my grief was not as easy as I thought it would be, either.  Some days, its my  greatest “motivator” to get out and run to clear my head, cry, pray…  Other days, want to do DIDDLEY SQUAT.  And I forced it anyway.  Even days when my body said “enough already!”…I forced it. *shrug* Why not?

 

I ‘ve been told that I’m becoming “fanatical” about my running. (O_o)

That?

Cracks. me. up!

Really it does.

 

But I get it.  It’s like I have begun to CRAVE that adrenaline rush and feeling of freedom…like second nature.  And actually something to look forward to. I even enjoy seeing some familiar faces on the trail giving me the  *head nod* as I trot by. *grin*  I guess I am truly parting ways from my former self.  And that is…rather EPIC.

Dearly Departed Fat, KICK ROCKS! Signed, The New Me

 

 

I may be becoming a bit obsessive  – but there are worse things I could be obsessing over.  I’ve always been an emotional eater – and the past two weeks I could have very easily net me about 10# weight gain on the scale. The fact that I am choosing a work-out over food fulfillment is saying something.  Plus, I’m paranoid that the ONE day I don’t feel like doing it…is going to be the beginning of me gaining ALLLL my weight back.  And I’m NOT having that!

 

 

The reality though (as broken down to me by a fellow fit & fabulous sistah-friend) is that because I was trying to run miles on an almost daily basis… I wasn’t giving my [new] muscles time to repair. Hips and lower back were killing me, and I’m sure that affected my time. So, I’m taking heed. Limiting my runs to 3x a week.  I can live with that.

 

 

All that said, my next 5k is this weekend. I’m goin this one solo – which is needed I suppose. I can’t depend on other folks to always get me across that finish line. Hoping to come in at around 45 mins which will be 6 mins off my 1st time. But even if not… It only matters that I finish, right?  Because after all – I’m still “lapping the people at home sitting on the couch”.  I head out today for the first time in 3 days…and I can hardly wait.  Super focused on my time today.  Of course, I also need to bear in mind to try and make sure I’m maintaining AT LEAST a 15 minute/mile – as that will greatly help me come October (Marine Corps 10k).

 

 

While I still don’t see what everyone else sees when they look at me, I DO see someone NEW in the mirror.  But not wholly in the physical sense.  I’m parting ways with my old thinking that led me into the weight gain to begin with…and I now see someone who wants to live a better quality of life, a longer life, a more healthy life.  I see someone with the heart of an athlete that is no longer afraid to push their physical limits.  And I see someone who – AT LAST – stopped making excuses.

 

 

Parting ways is not the easiest thing in life (or death), but it’s marks a new beginning.  And with most new beginnings, comes a  journey [of healing of some sort].

 

I, for one, continue to look forward to the inevitable journey…

The Numbers Game

*stands up raises hand* My name is VVixen, and I’m a ‘Numbers‘ Whore. *hangs head*

See, when I first decided that I needed to do something drastic to get the weight off of my rather petite 5’3″ frame… all I had in my head was…

numbers
Numbers
NUMBERS

 
In fact, from the day that I got on the scale and it had hit the 300# mark, all I could EVER think about was numbers…and getting said numbers to decrease (though in actuality, the numbers went up about 10# before going down *lol*).

 
I had in my head that IF I’m going to have this weight loss surgery, then I need to ensure I hit *my* goal weight of 175 – preferably by my 2 year surgery anniversary – which will be September 20. Ironically, that number has also changed and aligned itself a little more closely with my Dr.’s number of 165 — since 175 at my height is still technically OBESE. And for me, that would defeat the purpose of such a drastic measure.  But I digress…

 
Everything was peachy the first year post-op, because the weight loss was – dare I say – pretty d@mn effortless. This second year? Not so much.  I’ve worked harder than I thought I would have to, but I’m better because of it. And not only that – the results are evident. Even weekly [in my physical appearance].  so WHY do the friggen NUMBERS bother me so?!?!?

 

I guess they give me a more certain feeling of accomplishment.  Like I KNOW I’m making progress when I see the numbers go down. *shrug*

 

 

The scale has only moved 5# in the past month…yet, in that time I’ve not only completed my first athletic feat (and signed up for many others)…but am also running/training on a very consistent basis.  I journal my foods. I’m paying more attention to my nutrition.  But I’m STILL up in arms about the scale not moving – thereby keeping me away from my Magic Number.

 

*sigh*

 

Well, I got a book in the mail yesterday that a friend of mine wrote. (Check it out, HERE)  Within the first few pages, there was one thing that JUMPED off the page at me. Loosely quoted “the aim should not be losing WEIGHT, but losing FAT”.  And as people have reminded me soooo many times before…I’m building muscle (which weighs more than fat) as I’m working out.  I’m not just doing cardio/running.  But also core strengthening & weight lifting.

 

 

So…

 

 

It would stand to reason that I’m building [lean] muscles. Right? (Right.)
That weigh MORE than the fat I’m losing. Right?  (Right.)
Which means that while the scale might not be moving the way I want it to, that much progress is still being made. Right? (Right.)

 

 
I send my friend “The IMP” (the male counter-part of my other blog, also dear friend/photographer – who shot some pics of me on my trip to Houston back in February) a pic (left one, above ^^^) that I posted to my Weight Loss Journey Pic Album.  His response?

So, I’m learning a bit…to relax on the numbers. I want RESULTS! The numbers don’t make me – my effort & progress [both inside & out] does!

I mean, who would have ever looked at me (or LOOK at me [/present tense]) and seen [/see]…an…athlete?  That part still blows my mind.  It hasn’t been an easy road, but I can honestly say that if I didn’t have to work so hard for it, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the results.

And that, I do!

Side note: I think I went a lil gung-ho on attempting to run every day  –  I hadn’t been giving my muscles enough time to repair and had been experiencing alot of hip pain.  I have scaled the runs back to 3x a week (never back to back as I had been doing) – and increasing my weight training, and throwing a fun workout in once a week (ie: bellydancing, zumba, pole dancing, yoga).  But look at this view on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge trail!  How could I not want to take the time to enjoy this every day?

Baby steps.

Must remember not to overdue it if I want to improve on my time. My next 5k is next weekend…and I’m looking very forward to seeing how my work over the past 2 weeks plays out on the course.

Wish me luck!!

Teeny Bopper Threads

*quickie*

I was feeling pretty good about another NSV (non scale victory).  And I also realized that with the approach of spring, I have very few  season-appropriate items that I can fit from last year. Funny, considering that I somehow “feel” that I haven’t lost any weight in a year. But, I digress.

I worked some OT he past couple of weeks, so decided to pick up a few pieces for work/play.  I went to my favorite local hood store (DOTS)…and BAM! There it was:  This cute lil animal print number.  On the Juniors side. I fell in love with it – I have such a thing for animal prints – So, I grabbed one (size XL, very flattering cut, but unforgiving stretchy/clingy rayon material. Juniors & Misses pieces seem to be cut different.  Read: smaller.  So to grab an XL from there is unheard of for me).  I’m glad to report that even though it didn’t LOOK like I would be able to get it on…

it FIT!!

Look ma: NO SHAPWEAR!

Now, I realize as a woman of a certain age heading towards 40 year mark that fitting a dress from the “Teeny Bopper” section shouldn’t be something I’m trying to attain – BUT…in my head, it spells p.r.o.g.r.e.s.s. So, I’ll take it!! *cheezin*

Further more, when I look at this image, I don’t see a “37-year old woman who lost alot of weight”.  I see a Tenderoni. PYT. Hot Thang. MILF, even *lol*. So may be there is something to be said for me being able to scoop a piece or two from the youngin’s side of the store every now & again. *shrug*  Hell, I may take the dress back and never even wear it. (I’m funny like that.  I keep the tags on EVERYTHING, and the receipt stashed until I decide to wear it.  Sometimes I’m in the mood to “shop” when my budget won’t alot for it, I recycle what I already have but never wore)

The important thing, here, is that IT. FIT. Sho’nuff!

Set-backs & Come-backs

Greetings faithful few!

As usual, I have fallen off on my progress updates & general chatter. I’ve been pretty quiet because, well, I’ve gained some weight. Like, 10 pounds worth. It’s a long story so I will give you the quick & dirty: Headed to a Dr’s appointment because I was feeling “off”.  Extra sluggish, lethargic, and…well, FAT. (Despite the fact that I had very little diversion from my plan & exercise…I just felt like crap.  That’s the only way to put it. And I felt like I LOOKED like the same crap that I felt like). After my doc telling me that I have hypothyroidism. AND…a heart murmur… I’ve just been having a grand lil pity party. And it needs to STOP. *sigh*
Just disgusted that everything I’ve been doing to combat the last bit of weight I need to get off (now 50#) – is being counteracted by this “condition”. And it has pissed me off – greatly.

Along with my overall feeling of craptasticness, I had also been experiencing a loss of creative energy that had pretty much stalled my jewelry business. So needless to say that since I’ve been back from my R&R Houston trip, I have not been myself.

Stylin'...

On Saturday, I has a birthday party to go to that, honestly, I didn’t feel like going to b/c of how I’d been feeling lately.  But I went.  I figured it was a good reason to go be in the company of friends, have a laugh, and draw from the positive energy around me.  I think it worked!  Once I got dressed, I took a couple of pics. What I saw was this:

Looking ALOT smaller than I feel...

 

   No too bad, eh?

I guess despite how fat I feel – I still see how far I’ve come.  And even though its taking me ALOT longer than anticipated to finish this journey (ie: get to my goal weight), I’m still in the fire-fight.

Looking good don’t always mean feeling good [about self] – but I’m working to get back to that place.

That’s all I’ve got for now…

 

P.S. I’m getting my jewelry mojo back 😉  Check me out on Pinterest!

Lil Ole…Me? #quickie

My friend snapped this “every day / girl next door pic.  I just like the shirt since I only paid $2 bucks for it *lol* and didn’t think much of how I looked when this image was snapped.  At least not the way I usually obsess about how I look when someone is taking a picture.  I was well on my way to being out-of-town tipsy by that point.  Besides – flare’y, fluttery sleeves aren’t the most flattering anyway *shrug* (But I digress…as usual)

Then,  I was going thru some pics from my recent trip to Houston, and saw this one again (looking at it on my iPhone) and thought “wow! I look like a normal [sized] person”.

This is good news for one reason:

it means that the connection is finally being made between my head & my [new] body. This was probably the first time I didn’t immediately think  “Oh, I look like I’ve lost [some/alot] of weight” … but that it IMMEDIATELY resonated with me that this is me.

Not fat me.

Not recently lost-some-weight me.

But just…Me.

A person that is not [necessarily] seen as plus-sized (even though, I still am…and there is nothing wrong with that).  But that, after years of sticking out like a sore thumb due to my size, I can now blend in with the crowd…flaming red hair aside. Granted – your ordinary, average chick  is not something I aspire to.  But, in this case…I’ll take it!

I fully anticipate having alot more of these little moments that keep pushing me into full acceptance of what I see in the mirror everyday.  For me, that spells progress. A mental [non-scale] victory, if you will.

It also bears mentioning, that I had a monumental professional photo shoot when I went out of town.  It definitely took me out of my comfort zone, but I truly believe that the resulting images will do amazing things for my mental progress/process of acceptance/body image reality/etc. It certainly did some things for my ego!

Thanks for riding with me. Still have many places to go on this journey!