I resolve…

I had a very long conversation with a very dear longtime friend last night. My spiritual advisor of sorts. She knows me well, and have been there through all of my major life transitions. she has always told me that I’m too hard on myself and that I’m a pretty amazing/awesome/lucky/blessed/talented/gifted/beautiful soul.

 

And sometimes, I believe her…

 

I think it’s natural for most people who aren’t where they want to be (regardless of what situation or where exactly their destination is) to be extremely hard on themselves.  There are some things out of our control, but there are alot of things IN our control, too.

 

Health? Alot of that is in our control.  Weigh loss (and gain) is mostly in our control, too. The choices that we make that affect the final outcome of the aforementioned things are pretty much on us as well. Which makes it very frustrating when you know you are doing The Work, and are still stuck in a place you are fighting tooth and nail to get out of.

I realize that over the past month or two, I have totally become obsessed about my weight. All-consumed. Every moment of every day. I couldn’t do anything or eat anything without thinking about the calorie count and ramifications of eating [whatever] it [was].  I mean, yeah…you need to be mindful of what you eat and make sound nutritional choices. Keep indulgences to a minimum & keep your eyes on the prize.  But it shouldn’t become something that overwhelms you to the point of stress…every. Single. DAY.

And it has gotten that way to me. (Breakdown level stress with tears and the whole shebang)

Especially when I realized that I’d be in a full-on panic about not logging every single thing every single day on My Fitness Pal that crossed my lips.  The thing is – MFP is an aid to help YOU.  But it became a hinderence when I’d get myself in a tizzy because I didn’t want anyone ELSE to think I had fallen off the wagon.  Who really gives a $h!t, anyway.  This is about ME, not anyone else. While I do LOVE utilizing  such clever little tools to help me be accountable, I shouldn’t feel the need to become a slave to it. I shouldn’t stress about not logging every single thing every single day (unless I’m on a challenge/bet/etc.), but alas…I DO. And it’s made me HATE the journey even more.

I do know that I have encouraged and inspired many people – which is another reason it stresses me. But I refuse to be a slave to this thang. My life is more than my weight.  I have a husband, child, full time job, and business to tend to.  I can’t sit around worrying all day about food & exercise every moment of the day. NORMAL people don’t do that.  Once you have made that change in your life, it should become natural…not forced. And certainly not something to obsess over.

 

So you know what? Given the thoughts on my last post and knowing that this is a lifelong commitment…I’ve decided that it’s time to try something different. I’ve been stressing out entirely TOO much about My Magic Number… been losing sleep over this last 30-40 pounds that I need like to get off… underwhelmed by the fact that I’m still super bottom heavy (though I still think chicks with curves rock!). I cannot live the rest of my life like this. and I can almost guarantee that my stress ove the matter is part of the reason for the matter.

 

Ya dig?

So…

 

It’s high time that I resolve…

to stop obsessing & stressing

to be kinder to myself on this [weight loss] journey

to remember that where I have to go is not nearly as far as from where I’ve come

to appreciate my progress & my transformation

to celebrate my fit curves and fabulous God-given womanly figure

to stop worrying so much about what other people may think about where I’m at in this struggle (because they probably don’t care anyway!)

to continue making the best possible choices for my future health & well-being

to stop comparing my journey to other peoples journey/results/success

to show LOVE to and be KIND to myself….every. Single. DAY.

 

That’s all I can do.

 

And it’s high time that I started doing it.

 

 

 

My Invisible Life?

I’ve been blessed to have an amazing support system on this journey. And over the past few months that I’ve been on Instagram, my support circle has grown…and includes alot of people who have also used weight loss surgery to battle obesity. A posting on someone’s page today stuck me deep. I won’t quote, but the gist of the comment was something to the effect of “I wish I had more ‘before’ pictures (referring to before the drastic weightloss) but I felt pretty invisible in my life then” – or SOMETHING to that effect. And it was a sentiment that I have read or heard MANY times from people on a similar journey. That they felt invisible.

*trying to compute, but it just doesn’t resonate*

Anyone who knows me, knows that couldn’t be FARTHER from the truth *lol* I was (am?) a total camera whore…who never shied away from a good photo-op. I never felt like anything other than the bodacious, beautiful center of attention. I was never at a loss for male attention – and my shape/size/stature (OBESITY) was even celebrated by some. That was MY life. And if I’m going to be 100% honest, I will say that I feel more invisible AFTER losing over 100#, than I did at my largest (totally different blog topic. Still working thru the why’s of it).

…in all my big gal “visibility”. couldn’t tell me JACK!

I get that each person’s journey is different, and their experience alone. You can’t tell anyone how they should feel or process their feelings, and everyone has [the right] to work through their own emotional mess. I also know that I, personally, cannot under stand how some people choose to totally disassociate their post weight loss selves with their former obese selves – as if they are two totally different people. In theory, yes. I get that. I DO GET that there is a mindset shift/change/and transformation that has to take place in order to be successful. But in my case, in my mind I’m still Gina. Size 24…size 14…and every size in between or below that!

YES, I have become a new creature, so to speak. YES, my mind has been transformed to allow for the necessary changes to take effect where my health is concerned. YES I know that I can’t resort back to my old ways & habits, lest I end up back where I started 3 years ago.

Yes.

Yes!

1ooo times YES!!!

I get it.

But in my head, I will ALWAYS be battling with my inner Fat Girl, much like an addict battles with their addiction years after they are clean & sober. But that is MY personal story…and I’m uncertain that I will ever be able to totally disown my [food] addiction just because by the grace of God (and medical intervention) I’ve found a way to “get clean”.

A very dear friend left this comment on my previous post, and it renewed my spirit for the rest of the journey, and helped me to realize that for most (including self) this will be a LIFE LONG battle that won’t end at a goal weight.

“A close family member struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years. He went through multiple trips to rehab and all the other assorted things people do to “kick the habit”. Finally, after an epic meltdown which resulted in him losing his job, wife, and home in a single bender he tried NA.

Some months later, he asked me if I’d go to one of his meetings with him just to see what it was like. He’d been clean and sober for a few months and was eager to share this new found experience. I went. Many things from the experience stuck with me, but the most memorable were the words of the people who’d been clean and sober for years. To my surprise, they still described themselves as addicts. That struck me because it was an acknowledgement that all the bad things that they’d overcome were still a part of their present day selves. It wasn’t that they’d conquered their challenges, more like they’d learn to peacefully co-exist with them on their terms. Many times when people talk about how they’re going to “beat” this challenge or “overcome” that obstacle they neglect to appreciate that the obstacle is always going to be a part of them…”

so NOT invisible *lol*

Certainly, it’s discouraging as hell sometimes when I’m doing all in my power to see the results that may come easy for others. But despite my propensity for feeling invisible — ie: uncomfortable — in my “new skin”, I keep going. Almost 3 years later I am still dealing with alot of the mental & emotional ish that goes along with a drastic physical transformation. But bet your bottom dollar that I will not allow that to keep me in that unhealthy physical place where I felt far more comfortable (read: more “visible”, so to speak).

The fat I used to “wear” so proudly now feels more like a death trap…and I think it’s that which gives way to some of the “invisibility” factor for ME. I still have a longggg way to go…and sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m not there yet (see my previous post on this matter). I shrink into the background because there are only but so many “progress pics” I can post to validate myself when I’m at a virtual stand still. (that’s what the whole progress pic/comparison shot thing is about…if you didn’t know *lol*. Sometimes its the only way to see (read: validate) your success)

But I know I’m doing The Work.

Let’s face it, ALL of us who are truly committed to this journey are here because we are willing to do the work. Whether or not I will ever see my “magic number” should be of no consequence. The fact that I have changed my life (and thereby my health) should speak far louder than any numbers on the scale can read….

I’m just Gina, after all is said & done. A pseudo invisible food addict in recovery…A Fat Girl in a smaller body than before, with improved sensibilities making better choices and DOING SOMETHING to improve my quality of life.

AND…

I’m too “Gone with the Wind FABULOUS” to be… invisible. Always have been, always will be.

#runteldat

Epic FAIL(ure)…

 

So I’ve been trying to write this particular post for 2 weeks.

It started with me having an emotional moment (or two, or three, or ten) about not having my weight loss goal yet – coming up on year 3.  I had a pity-party, and shook it off. I found a new workout to channel my energy into (Kettlebells ROCK – more on that later)…made some progress on the scale. Was feeling great about coming up out of an almost year-long stall/plateau. *sigh* (and YES, I keep coming back to the Numbers Game – after all, the whole point of surgery was for me to move OUT of the obesity category)

I guess it would help if I verbalized what sends me off the emotional cliff as far as not reaching my goal is concerned. If not for others to understand, for MY SELF to get a hold of.  The fact that so many people look to me for support, and encouragement.  The fact that so many folks have not hesitated to tell me how much I’ve inspired them.  The fact that in the past 2 years, so many people in my circle (real life/online) have used my journey/success as an added boost to kick them in the @$$ and get them on a serious pathway to heath – either via a lifestyle/nutrition/exercise change – AND/OR helped them to decide to use surgery as a tool to fight [morbid] obesity and reclaim their health.

That’s all good, right?

Well, in my head (sometimes) it makes me feel like a failure.

a big. fat. EPIC. failure.

Why?

It’s quite simple: I still struggle DAILY with my weight. Still. Every. Single. DAY.

How can I continue to serve as “inspiration” when I can’t even get all the weight off WITH the help of surgery?

I’m not yet to my goal almost 3 years post-op; I’ve seen people who have had surgery well after me lose more than me – some with little effort, some with 3 times the effort that I literally can’t afford to put in to workouts/healthier organic food options.  I do what I can with my resources. I get 45 minute workout’s in 4-5x a week, b/c that’s what time I have I have available. I make fairly solid nutritional choices and on a daily basis and generally stay within my daily caloric allotment. And I’m doing all I was taught to do (in nutrition class, and pre-op counseling, and post-op research/study, etc)…and all I know I should be doing to get the rest of this weight off.

BUT…the scale keeps laughing in my face.

YES: I’ve lost an amount equivalent to a “small person”.
YES: I have much less to still lose than I’ve already shed from this frame.
YES: I’ve maintained my weigh loss in the face of varied & sundry health issues.
YES: I. Know. THIS!

 

My surgeon is not concerned. Nor is my doctor. Such a “stall” in loss is quite common after the 2 year mark.

Meh. *shrug*

And while some people think I’m being way too hard on myself…I MUST BE…and will continue to be for this reason: One thing’s for certain and two thing’s for sure: I ain’t NEVER. EVER…going back down that path to 300+ again. Not EVER!

So, much like someone who has never lost a job can truly empathize with someone who just got notice that they’ve been canned… Or someone who has never experienced the loss of a parent can genuinely FEEL that particular type of grief…  Sympathy – certainly!  But truly feeling & understanding at the core – what I’m going thru…not really possible.  But that is also because we all have our own story that effects how we relate/cope/adapt/etc. in any given situation. More to point: if you are not a person who has had weight loss surgery, can not fully grasp all of the emotional/mental bits & pieces of the puzzle…and can not fully understand my struggle with this particular portion of the weight loss journey. It would be impossible to.

There, I said it.

And while I will not WALLOW in my feelings –  I have a right to own them, process them, get them out of my system, and move on.  That’s one of the reason’s I created this blog at the inception of my journey.  I know me. And I knew that there would be ALOT of things to deal with on the emotional/mental end of the spectrum.  But in all honesty here, what I DID not expect, was to have to WORK SO HARD.

There, I said it (again).

So…. it is what it is, was what it was, and will be what it will be.

I’ve not given up. I WILL not give up. And I WILL win the fat-fight!  As I was reminded in one of my fitness forums: this is a LIFELONG journey. So what, I’m not at my weight goal yet.  I WILL get there. EVENTUALLY. And I’m learning to be ok with that (verrrrry slowwwwwllly, but surely).  What other choice do I have right?

I’ve also come to realize that my disappointment and feeling of failure is only because I DO truly want this…and I AM committed to this. And I am DOING this.

 

That’s half the battle right there.

MY. battle.

And I will fight [the fat] to the finish!

Please believe it…

Something old? Something new!

 

I’m not really good with change.

AT ALL!

I don’t embrace it as I should.

AT ALL!

 

But along this journey, there have been LOTS of changes.  Especially where food is concerned. What, how much, and the type of food. Things that I love I not longer eat by the long ton. And things that I never used to eat are beginning to find a place in my daily meal plan.

 

Incorporating clean eating has not come without some challenges. Since I started the 1st DietBet challenge a few weeks ago, I’m glad to say that I’m at about 85% clean eating – and can definitely tell the difference in how I feel.  AND the scale has started to move. FINALLY. Not dramatically so – but on average, about a pound a week. And I’m ok with that.

 

It stands to reason that as I grow in health, I’m open to other food options that I may not have considered before. Vegetarian fare is not something I ever would have considered for myself.  I LOVE chicken. Even more than bread & pasta…and that’s saying ALOT. I can live without beef, and even pork (so long as there is turkey pepperoni on the market)  But not long ago, I was preparing dinner for my daughter – veggie pasta and green beans – and I was complaining because I didnt take out the chicken tenderloins to cook.  She said “that’s ok. I don’t have to eat meat every time”. Direct quote from my 4 year old. *SMH*  It was THAT moment that sparked the idea of having some vegetarian meals on heavy rotation.

 

Fast forward: I’ve always wanted to try “meatless” products (a’la Boca/Morningstar Farms/Quorn/Gardein and the like). In fact, I have had a couple of Boca “burgers” (Blackbean. Meh *shrug*). I wasn’t sold, though.  Then last week, my co-worker (a vegetarian) let me taste a piece of her meatless “chicken” patties.  I was FLOORED! It tasted like a chicken nugget! I was befuzzled… Could it be that I had been missing out on the opportunity to have a meatless meal that I actually enjoyed?!?

That night, I hi-tailed it to the grocery store and decided to go with the Morningstar Farms Buffalo “wings”. Mannnnn LISTEN: I was not prepared for HOW GOOD those things tasted!!! Crispity. Crunchety. Spicy. Yummery-goodness. No qualms with the texture, either – much to my surprise.

I figured if I could somehow swap out my daughter’s regular chicken nuggets for some veggie “chik’n” nuggets (not the spicy ones of course, just regular ole nuggets), we may be on to something. To my delight – she didn’t bat an eye or miss a beat, or question them. She ate them with glee and even commented that they were the “best ever”.  How’s THAT for change?!

*side note: a few weeks ago I managed to dupe the finicky 4 year old with spaghetti squash and then the next week, with some shirataki “miracle noodles” (though I used a different name brand) to replace pasta. I’m still going to do the veggie pasta or 100% whole wheat  pasta on occasion, but I’m loving being able to replace some of the things we love with healthier versions*

spaghetti squash w/turkey sausage, spinach, & parm cheese!

shirataki noodles – low cal, low carb!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess all of that is to say – you never know what you like – or DON’T like – until you try it!  I know for sure that the ONLY way I’ll be able to keep on this journey and be successful, is to broaden my horizons & palette when it comes to different foods…so I’m not eating the same thing every day.

So……IF you are able to find products to help cut the fat/calories – without losing the taste, why not at least TRY it?

Some one in one of my fitness groups posted about powdered peanut butter (PB2*).  I thought “ick”.  But when I looked up the nutritional info, and did some calculations of how many calories/fat I’m consuming by adding natural peanut butter into my protein shakes and such, I figured I’d give it a try.  Again – PLEASANTLY SURPRISED! Now I can layer on the flavor without adding unecessary fat & calories. (*PB2 is ALL NATURAL, but not “clean”. The only ingredients are peanuts, salt, & sugar. The chocolate one has cocoa powder, of course)

I’m excited about all of the changes taking place.  And the BEST part, is that my daughter is paying attention. SHE is making better decisions (when given the opportunity) because she sees ME making them.  Case in point:  I had a super Proud Mommy moment this week. Mini asked for a snack-bag of chips like her uncle was eating. Without a thought, I said OK…because it’s not something she normally eats, or even asks for.  She returned from the pantry with some applesauce and says “I changed my mind, Mommy. I want to eat healthy like YOU” – THAT RIGHT THERE… MAKES IT ALL WORTH IT. The fact that she CHOSE FOR HERSELF the best possible option means I really am doing something right. Not just for me, but her too.

It’s never too late (or too early!) to grow your tastebuds in the name of health.

Give it a try.

I DARE YOU.

The Awakening (a quickie)

I figured for posterity I would re-post here, a sentiment that I posted on another forum…because it was fitting for my journey overall – and since that’s why I blog – here ya go (paraphrased & edited for clarity):

I’ve come to the realization of WHY I was so hype about doing the 28 day weight loss challenge (the DietBet “game” I wrote about here) that I most likely won’t win: the purpose – as I see it – served to put some fire under my hyde and get me back on track. And hopefully KEEP me there!

I’ve been busting my bootay getting work-outs in 5x a week, faithfully journaling my food intake (almost always under my daily calorie goal), eating mostly clean meals… and the scale STILL forsakes me!! (yeah, still playing “the Numbers Game”) I’ve started back to my 5k training (3x a week), and spinning/cycling 5 miles + strength training on alternate days (2x a week)…and though the scale may not show it –  the inches do melt and my body shape transforms.

I guess I need to stop trippin, huh?

A fellow friend on the journey reminded me that my [particular] journey is a bit different because I’ve already lost over 100#.  This last 30-something I need to get off is making me fight for EVERY. SINGLE. POUND!!! and thought I’ve had a few moments of discouragement… I’m over it.

I’ve come a long way – more [weight] behind me than in front of me [to still lose], so if I don’t get to my 4% (the requirement for me to take home a share of the “Winnings” from the DietBet… I’M OK WITH THAT.

ONLY because I know I’ve given my all.

That said, my next short-term goal is to get under 200#… so this challenge has been the spring board to get me there, and It’s ALL GOOD!!

Recipe: Green Goddess Protein Smoothie

I figured a great way for me to stay engaged in this blog experience would be to also post picture updates and recipes, in addition to my regular updates.

That said: I know this may not look very appetizing, but it is surprisingly tasty & sweet! Due to my being a bariatric patient, I have to find ways to get my protein requirements in even though I can’t consume much of anything at one sitting. Protein smoothies/shakes have helped, and you can make them with virtually anything.

This one here features 2 cups of baby spinach, 1 banana, 1/2 cup premium orange juice, milled flax seed, ginger paste, and a scoop of vanilla whey protein powder. This was very frothy & full bodied AND it kept me full until lunch time.

Adding spinach also helped me get in my veggies for the day. Try it!!!

…on a MISSION

I know it’s been SO long since I blogged. I apologize. I’ve been reminded that I serve as an inspiration to others and that I need to keep [the inspiration] coming. Sometimes that gets lost on me. But I look around and realize that I have no less than 7 people among friends/aquaintances on the EXACT same path as me (in terms of surgery) and I want them to know it’s going to be justttt fineeee. I ALSO want

Yup. I posted a skivvy’s pic. AND? Looks like a bikini to me… *shrug*

folks to know that I’m tired of hiding all my hard work — so here is #BAM pic just for y’all. I’m officially working on my Summer 2013 beach body.

Things got really crazy and I’ve been wanting to go on & on about the Rebel Race and then some. I completed the obstacle course without a glitch. I only skipped one obstacle that seemed to be claiming victims (broken ankles & feet & such). I was tired. Beat down. but…I DID it. And that’s all that mattered to me. I felt empowered to the point that I took on another challenge. I committed to doing the Zombie 5k Obstacle course AND the MCM 10k — in the SAME weekend. I didn’t want to miss out on either…so, I figured I would [wo]man-up, and get ‘er done. More to come on that.

In other news — I donned a bathing suit in public SANS COVER UP for the very first time in probably 20+ years. It was liberating!

*copy & paste from another forum post regarding the aforementioned*

“…FREEDOM 

This post is EPIC for any number of reasons. The main thing being I am showing my ham-hocks, which is something I DON’T do. EVER. I’ve joked a lot about “keeping up the appearances” [of my sexiness *lol*] and my legs have always been the area I’m most self-conscious about…so I just keep them under wraps.

Today, I decided to go out in public, in my suit, sans anything to hide behind. And I felt goooodddddd. Liberated. FREE! A little shy at first, but after I saw what some folks were walking around in, I proudly commenced to strutting my [jiggly] stuff! I even got a few compliments on the suit which led me to believe that ppl weren’t totally grossed out by my appearance.

 What I did learn is that there are size 2’s with hella cellulite & stretchmarks. And there are size 20’s with neither of those to be found (go figure!). And while it’d be nice to have the “perfect” figure or the Tina Turner legs i could only dream of – I never will. Its not in the cards after major weightloss (or in my DNA, for that matter).

 Ive lost a ton of weight – yes. I work out – yes (and still have a ways to go.) Truth is this body has been through some things. Years of abuse & mistreatment from an unhealthy food life. And “rehab” for me is in not being ashamed of where I’ve come from – or where u am today.

There are quite a few folks I know in a similar path…i just want all to know to be PROUD of who you are becoming/will become. Flaws, flabby thigh-meat, and all…”

It’s been a very good few weeks in terms of progress. Just recently, I had one of those “that moment when[s]…” happen: “That moment when…”You (I) realize that the person you see in the mirror is not some other [hot, sexy, gorgeous, bombshell, fit, fabulous, *insert any suitable adjective here*], but it is YOU (me)!”

starting to venture out & wear things I would have NEVER put on this body before

I celebrated my business 7 year anniversary this past Friday and had a little celebration party where I was blessed to rock a design that a dear friend made for me. Her talent is obvious – but when I saw myself in it — it was exactly what I needed to remind me that my work IS paying off. (#GGXROX! http://www.ggxjewels.com *shameless self promotion*). Good news on the biz front. Yeah. BUT, the better news …is what is seen in this comparison shot. I have lost…an entire [albeit small] person. THAT ALONE is enough for me to continue to forge the road ahead.

With my 2 year “Surgi-versary” a little less than 2 months away, I would like to see 20# off of me in that time, and I am going H.A.M. to see that it happens (or at least comes within 5# or so). My next 5k (Yankee Stadium Runyon) is in 2 weeks, so steadily readying myself for that. One thing that I would have never thought would be that I could SEE so much progress in my body shape even without seeing any [real] change in the numbers on the scale. This pic proves me WRONG. 3 months and maybe 5#…and LOOK!

Running is working for me. Now, I know my limitations with this hip situation…so I am sticking with only two 3-mile RUNS per week, with 2 or 3 1-mile walks sprinkled in to keep me going. Oh yeah — and weight training on the 1 mile days to continue to tighten things up as much as possible.

I must say — I was unaware of how many people were reading these blogs…until I stopped posting. But I hear you loud and clear faithful few. I won’t wait so long until next time. I promise 🙂

Until next time…. STAY FOCUSED!!

A Dream Deferred, Realized, and Then Some!

#word

Spring 2012 Has turned out to be amazingggggggggggggg for me – in terms of overall progress.  The “Athlete at Heart” has transformed into a real-life Athlete! I’m doing things I only dreamed of doing. I’m in LOVE with running, I’m succeeding at maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and I’m beginning to LOVE this skin I’m in (flaws, flaps,  & all – and that has taken some time…believe me!)

One of my fave throwback pics. Circa 2003.

Sometimes, it’s to the point that I don’t even recognize myself.  But not in the physical sense – though I am starting to reconcile the physical changes FINALLY.  But I’m speaking more about who I am becoming overall.

WHO is this woman that looks forward to…WORKING OUT? *blink, blink*  Getting out in the fresh-air and going for a run? (to the point that on Mother’s Day, I asked hubby for a simple gift: TIME TO MYSELF. He watched the kid…so I could lace up my running shoes!)

WHO is this woman that has become uber conscious of nutrition, caloric intake, good fat/bad fat, killing old habits, and “choices…choices…choices…” (even the occasional bad one *lol*)

WHO is this woman seemingly obsessed with competitive fitness feats (even if *I* am my own competition, and I’m trying to beat my last 5k workout time)?

WHO is this woman who can’t believe that I’m finally here…

WHO.

IS.

THIS.

WOMAN?!

Funny thing? She is ME!  I’m telling y’all…  And I know some folks are sooooo tired of hearing about all of this.  But when you spend over 30 years not taking care of yourself/health, and then have that moment where you know everything has to change…and go through the process to get there…then actually GET THERE [in your head]. It’s nothing short of amazing.  At least for me.

Something else quite notable is that I get EXCITED thinking about these physical challenges. I mean over-the-moon excited!  As you know, I promised myself to do one competitive race per month.  Then I got roped into up’ing the anti and really taking myself to task with the Rebel Race obstacle challenge (which just so happens to be the very next weekend after my next 5k).  But for so long I dreamed of being able to do something like this…that I just get carried away with the idea that I CAN DO IT.

I can.

I have.

I am!

In fact – it was not just the dream of running, but running in a very particular place that always appealed to me.  I’ve seen it so many times on tv & movies.  Seen so many pictures.  Heard of so many events taking place there…that it always seemed to be larger-than-life to me (as someone who is not from there).  Last year, I spent my daughter’s birthday amidst the beauty of the place…and fell in love. And it was at that moment, I decided that one day, I would conquer it:

CENTRAL PARK.

cannot WAIT to pound THIS pavement!

YESSIR!  Father’s Day weekend I’ll be heading up to the Big City…and have carved out some time to live this dream. Roughly 6 miles of beauty and things of TV legend. *swoooooooooooooon* And rain (within reason *lol*) or shine – victory shall be MINE!!

So…yeah.  That’s what has been up with me! Just excitement.  About life. Granted, there is still alot going on with me, but this fitness journey is also providing me a way of channeling my energy into something positive. SO THANKFUL for growth. And those in my cheering section.  Were it not for y’all? Yeah…perish the thought.

That said – that’s all that’s fit for print.  As I look at the clock, I realize I’ll be lacing up the running shoes in about an hour to hit a new route.  Also… I’ve switched from the Map my Run app to the Nike+ app.  Anyone wanna play TAG???  I’m down.

Until then…

slowly but surely the Vixen is vanishing…

Back to Basics

Howdy Faithful Few!

This has been a crazy week, and it’s only Tuesday!  My body is yearning to pound some pavement…

BUT.  Not today. Or even tomorrow. *pfft*

I’ve decided to get back to basics with my training, and will resume ‘Couch-to-5k‘ (c25k) work-out plans as I was doing before the running-bug bit me.  The  schedule is 3x a week for roughly 30 minutes – and I’ll be doing this on a dread-mill.  But I WILL also commit myself to ONCE a week on the bridge to feed my need for speed/freedom/”fresh” air (that adjective is debatable *lol*)

C25k training is a 9 week program, and my next fitness feat is in about 7 weeks. I’m a little ahead of the curve, so I will be starting today with week 2/day1. Although I am able to maintain a pretty kick-@$$ pace by doing intervals (13-14 min/mi), I want to be able to complete the next race with a 75/25% ratio of running/power-walking.  And while getting out on the bridge has been a great experience, it’s wreaked havoc on my allergies & related asthma.  As you may recall, I started all of this back in the winter time.  The spring & summer months, however, will pose a problem for Tha Kid.  The trail is beautiful, but the trees/plants/flowers/creatures along with the flying dust and smog from the mass of passing cars on the bridge is wearing me down.

 

All in all – training 4x a week is still a reasonable expectation of myself, so I am going to make the most of it.  ESPECIALLY since the scale is back in my good graces (8# in the past month!) I know that I’m steady on the right track.

 

It’s amazing when I think about how much my mindset has changed.  How my thoughts & relationship with food has changed. Now, I still have my moments (and I still love cake *lol*), but overall – and more importantly: CONSISTENTLY – I am focused on my nutrition and make good choices daily. Journaling via the My Fitness Pal app is a godsend – and has helped me to rethink alot of what I put into my body (and help plan my indulgences around my workout schedule).  I think journaling is a crucial part of a weight loss journey…at least in the beginning.  I didn’t realize how much JUNK I was putting in my mouth until I started tracking it! Now, I rather enjoy it because not only does it keep me on track, but I LOVE to see how many MORE calories I’m granted once I input my workout stats.  It DOES WORK!  (It also helps to have a strong support system of like-minded people.  That is one of my saving graces. So if you don’t have one – please contact me and I will try to link you into one of my [online] fitness groups.)

 

And here’s the other thing:  I have always wanted to be a “normal” person.  Who doesn’t have to FORCE myself to eat “well”.  Who has restraint, but when the urge hits…can still have a piece of cake/cookie/chips without derailing all of my hard work. NOT someone who is obsessive/compulsive about every little thing I put into my mouth. Conscious, yes. Concerned even…to a point. I  have just made the choice to no longer ABUSE the things that destroyed my heath. But I still want to be able to ENJOY the food that I love – within reason.

 

I’m there. FINALLY.

 

So, it’s back to basics. Proper Nutrition + Exercise = Progress = a happier, healthier, [steadily] Vanishing Vixen 🙂

 

P.S.  I found a running mate for the Semper Fi 5k next month – a FB buddy who has been following my journey.  So excited!!!

Parting Ways

It’s been a rough couple of weeks… as I lost someone close to me. Parting ways with a physical life…someone who had such a big presence…  is extremely difficult for me. Channeling my grief was not as easy as I thought it would be, either.  Some days, its my  greatest “motivator” to get out and run to clear my head, cry, pray…  Other days, want to do DIDDLEY SQUAT.  And I forced it anyway.  Even days when my body said “enough already!”…I forced it. *shrug* Why not?

 

I ‘ve been told that I’m becoming “fanatical” about my running. (O_o)

That?

Cracks. me. up!

Really it does.

 

But I get it.  It’s like I have begun to CRAVE that adrenaline rush and feeling of freedom…like second nature.  And actually something to look forward to. I even enjoy seeing some familiar faces on the trail giving me the  *head nod* as I trot by. *grin*  I guess I am truly parting ways from my former self.  And that is…rather EPIC.

Dearly Departed Fat, KICK ROCKS! Signed, The New Me

 

 

I may be becoming a bit obsessive  – but there are worse things I could be obsessing over.  I’ve always been an emotional eater – and the past two weeks I could have very easily net me about 10# weight gain on the scale. The fact that I am choosing a work-out over food fulfillment is saying something.  Plus, I’m paranoid that the ONE day I don’t feel like doing it…is going to be the beginning of me gaining ALLLL my weight back.  And I’m NOT having that!

 

 

The reality though (as broken down to me by a fellow fit & fabulous sistah-friend) is that because I was trying to run miles on an almost daily basis… I wasn’t giving my [new] muscles time to repair. Hips and lower back were killing me, and I’m sure that affected my time. So, I’m taking heed. Limiting my runs to 3x a week.  I can live with that.

 

 

All that said, my next 5k is this weekend. I’m goin this one solo – which is needed I suppose. I can’t depend on other folks to always get me across that finish line. Hoping to come in at around 45 mins which will be 6 mins off my 1st time. But even if not… It only matters that I finish, right?  Because after all – I’m still “lapping the people at home sitting on the couch”.  I head out today for the first time in 3 days…and I can hardly wait.  Super focused on my time today.  Of course, I also need to bear in mind to try and make sure I’m maintaining AT LEAST a 15 minute/mile – as that will greatly help me come October (Marine Corps 10k).

 

 

While I still don’t see what everyone else sees when they look at me, I DO see someone NEW in the mirror.  But not wholly in the physical sense.  I’m parting ways with my old thinking that led me into the weight gain to begin with…and I now see someone who wants to live a better quality of life, a longer life, a more healthy life.  I see someone with the heart of an athlete that is no longer afraid to push their physical limits.  And I see someone who – AT LAST – stopped making excuses.

 

 

Parting ways is not the easiest thing in life (or death), but it’s marks a new beginning.  And with most new beginnings, comes a  journey [of healing of some sort].

 

I, for one, continue to look forward to the inevitable journey…