My Invisible Life?

I’ve been blessed to have an amazing support system on this journey. And over the past few months that I’ve been on Instagram, my support circle has grown…and includes alot of people who have also used weight loss surgery to battle obesity. A posting on someone’s page today stuck me deep. I won’t quote, but the gist of the comment was something to the effect of “I wish I had more ‘before’ pictures (referring to before the drastic weightloss) but I felt pretty invisible in my life then” – or SOMETHING to that effect. And it was a sentiment that I have read or heard MANY times from people on a similar journey. That they felt invisible.

*trying to compute, but it just doesn’t resonate*

Anyone who knows me, knows that couldn’t be FARTHER from the truth *lol* I was (am?) a total camera whore…who never shied away from a good photo-op. I never felt like anything other than the bodacious, beautiful center of attention. I was never at a loss for male attention – and my shape/size/stature (OBESITY) was even celebrated by some. That was MY life. And if I’m going to be 100% honest, I will say that I feel more invisible AFTER losing over 100#, than I did at my largest (totally different blog topic. Still working thru the why’s of it).

…in all my big gal “visibility”. couldn’t tell me JACK!

I get that each person’s journey is different, and their experience alone. You can’t tell anyone how they should feel or process their feelings, and everyone has [the right] to work through their own emotional mess. I also know that I, personally, cannot under stand how some people choose to totally disassociate their post weight loss selves with their former obese selves – as if they are two totally different people. In theory, yes. I get that. I DO GET that there is a mindset shift/change/and transformation that has to take place in order to be successful. But in my case, in my mind I’m still Gina. Size 24…size 14…and every size in between or below that!

YES, I have become a new creature, so to speak. YES, my mind has been transformed to allow for the necessary changes to take effect where my health is concerned. YES I know that I can’t resort back to my old ways & habits, lest I end up back where I started 3 years ago.

Yes.

Yes!

1ooo times YES!!!

I get it.

But in my head, I will ALWAYS be battling with my inner Fat Girl, much like an addict battles with their addiction years after they are clean & sober. But that is MY personal story…and I’m uncertain that I will ever be able to totally disown my [food] addiction just because by the grace of God (and medical intervention) I’ve found a way to “get clean”.

A very dear friend left this comment on my previous post, and it renewed my spirit for the rest of the journey, and helped me to realize that for most (including self) this will be a LIFE LONG battle that won’t end at a goal weight.

“A close family member struggled with drug and alcohol addiction for years. He went through multiple trips to rehab and all the other assorted things people do to “kick the habit”. Finally, after an epic meltdown which resulted in him losing his job, wife, and home in a single bender he tried NA.

Some months later, he asked me if I’d go to one of his meetings with him just to see what it was like. He’d been clean and sober for a few months and was eager to share this new found experience. I went. Many things from the experience stuck with me, but the most memorable were the words of the people who’d been clean and sober for years. To my surprise, they still described themselves as addicts. That struck me because it was an acknowledgement that all the bad things that they’d overcome were still a part of their present day selves. It wasn’t that they’d conquered their challenges, more like they’d learn to peacefully co-exist with them on their terms. Many times when people talk about how they’re going to “beat” this challenge or “overcome” that obstacle they neglect to appreciate that the obstacle is always going to be a part of them…”

so NOT invisible *lol*

Certainly, it’s discouraging as hell sometimes when I’m doing all in my power to see the results that may come easy for others. But despite my propensity for feeling invisible — ie: uncomfortable — in my “new skin”, I keep going. Almost 3 years later I am still dealing with alot of the mental & emotional ish that goes along with a drastic physical transformation. But bet your bottom dollar that I will not allow that to keep me in that unhealthy physical place where I felt far more comfortable (read: more “visible”, so to speak).

The fat I used to “wear” so proudly now feels more like a death trap…and I think it’s that which gives way to some of the “invisibility” factor for ME. I still have a longggg way to go…and sometimes I feel ashamed that I’m not there yet (see my previous post on this matter). I shrink into the background because there are only but so many “progress pics” I can post to validate myself when I’m at a virtual stand still. (that’s what the whole progress pic/comparison shot thing is about…if you didn’t know *lol*. Sometimes its the only way to see (read: validate) your success)

But I know I’m doing The Work.

Let’s face it, ALL of us who are truly committed to this journey are here because we are willing to do the work. Whether or not I will ever see my “magic number” should be of no consequence. The fact that I have changed my life (and thereby my health) should speak far louder than any numbers on the scale can read….

I’m just Gina, after all is said & done. A pseudo invisible food addict in recovery…A Fat Girl in a smaller body than before, with improved sensibilities making better choices and DOING SOMETHING to improve my quality of life.

AND…

I’m too “Gone with the Wind FABULOUS” to be… invisible. Always have been, always will be.

#runteldat