decisions, decisions…

Another quickie: I’ve finally made the firm decision to go with the Gastric Sleeve WLS instead of the Lapband. It has resonated in my spirit, and have found a peace akin to elation, as the approval process draws near.

I’m pretty proud of myself tho, I must say. 10lbs down is significant for me, and I’m feeling good. The small changes I’ve been making will be a big part in my post-op success. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that one of the biggest bonuses with the sleeve is that I can still eat my favorite foods – just far less of it than I’m accustomed to. That, and the fact that most of the mega appetite inducing horomones will be gone.

I saw myslef in a dream this weekend. A year into the future. Still curvy. But a lot healthier. Maybe a solid size 16 – which to some is still “fat” but to me a far cry from this size 22 I’m rocking now. I’m just taking one day at a time…and looking forward to a life full of more energy (and years added on to it!)

Be well, my friends!

Quickie Follow-up

A quick follow-up:

I had my 2nd of 3 required dietician & PT classes yesterday. 3rd & final is June 23 – then all my paper work goes to Aetna and the approval process begins! I should hear something back between 2 days & 2 weeks, then looking a surgery date somewhere between mid & late August.

Oh yeah, I gained back 2lbs. *sigh* but I’m not panicing. My clothing is telling a different story. AND, I got word that there have been some WLS coverage changes that may be to my benefit. I may go with the gastric sleeve vs the lapband as originally intended. For the simple fact that monthly maintenance for “fills” & the fact that I will have that “thing” and permanent “port” in me forever kinda weirds me. But I have a month to do my research & make my decision. Also, falls a little more in line with my timeframe and the goals of my doctor, so we shall see!

I’ll keep y’all posted…I’m still in the fight! A heathier life, one day at a time…

Get outta my belly!

Seems like my post-revolt body didn’t take too kindly to the Nemo Patty I had for dinner last night. Dude, my system had NO problem trying to evict that joint & all its baggage. *whew* Then, today, with my “healthy” lunch (rice w/veggies & chix, yummy waldorf salad, cherry pepsi zero), I wanted a handful of my “favorite” UTZ Smokin Sweet potato chips. 5 chips in, I realized that wasn’t a good idea. *bubble guts* I guess that’s a good thing. My body is reminding me to stay focused, even when my cravings are saying “Might I have another, please?” *in my best Madonna/british accent*

Interesting how that works, huh?

Now, if I could just find a pair of full body swimming SPANX (complete w/a pair of Tina Turner legs – because even “reduced fat” cottage cheese is still too much for some to digest)…

A fatgirl can dream, can’t she??

No turning back now…I’M.ALL.IN!

// Preface: I’m sitting in McDonald’s THOROGHLY enjoying the Filet-o-fish I’ve been craving. Not guitly, not ashamed. Twas my reward for losing 5lbs since 3/1/10. Now, the loss coulda been attributed to the little revolt my body staged over the past 3 days, but I was determined to get me that tasty brick-o-minced Nemo. I know – I have a long way to go, but little “rewards” like this, make it easy to keep going. All I have to do is keep doing what I’ve done the past 2 wks – make better, healthier daily choices, ramp up the physical activity, and keep my eyes on the prize. All the while still allowing treats for mini-victories along the way. Carpe Diem & Viva la Fishie! //

Now, today was my surgical consult. Long story short, it marked the official start of part 1 of my journey (pre-approval). On 3/29, I have my Pulmonary Consult, 4/5 my sleep study, 4/6 starts the 1st of the 3-month multi-disciplinary weight-loss program required by my insurance company.

It’s amazing how fairly quickly this is all coming together. There is still a lot of work to be done (on my end, in terms of eating habits, exercising, etc), but knowing is half the battle. And if all goes according to plan, I’m looking at a surgery date somewhere around mid-late August. *giggety giggety*

I will say, the surgeon suggested that gastric bypass would propbably be the better option for me since ideally *he* would like to see me lose 125-130#. BUT, he said that I need to make the decision I feel is best for me…and that is what I’m doing. So lap band, it is. I was told to expect the weightloss of about 80-100lbs over the next 12-18mnths, and that (plus any additional is still up to me and my “new healthier lifestyle”. I CAN gain all the weight back if I don’t stay on the path *duly noted*)

I can’t begin to say how excited I am. How nervous. How elated. How scared. How…EVERYTHING I am. I just know that whatever happens…there is no turning back Not now. Not ever…

Besides, Geeyonce waits for no one. Summer 2010: The Rebirth. Followed by The unveiling, coming to a blog near you: May 2011.

P.s. After eliminating white sugar from my diet for 2 wks, the McD’s sweet tea was too much for my tastebuds *blech* NEVER thought I’d see the day I could/would give that up. Only 5 swigs, and I was d.un. Ill take unsweetend w/splenda from here on out… Pls &thk u!

Fatty Girl Food Journal Day 3 (3/3/2010)

Yo! I ate soooooooooooooo good today! I’m full. and I feel good about my choices. When in doubt, I researched and/or looked at the serving size to make sure I wasn’t actin a foodie-fool.   Some days may be harder than others… Bur thus far – I’m confident I can keep this up! *woot* 

P.S. Tomorrow, I’ll start adding a big salad to either lunch or dinner. Then both…. Baby steps 😉 

Breakfast: 

• Lowfat Strawberry Cereal Bar
• Banana
• Crystal Lite (Sunrise)

Lunch & Afternoon snack: 

• Chicken Wrap (see “Favorite Eats” post)
• Apple Sauce cup
• Handful of  Hot & Spicy Cheeze-Its (serving size 25 crackers)
• Little Debbie Oatmeal Pie (small)

Dinner & Evening Snack: 

Good Eatin!

 

• BBQ chicken breast (thinly sliced, scallopini style. Grilled, then 1 TBLS BBQ sauce splashed in pan)
• corn & pea mix (pre packaged, lowfat)
• 1/2 baked potato w/cheddar & bacon (I FULLY intended to eat the entire thing, but I couldn’t *lol*. See previous post))
• 1 ginourmous navel orange
• 1 Low Fat/60 Calorie Fudge pop

Water intake: 40 oz (40oz more than yesterday!)

Portion control is a B!t@h !!

Although I technically don’t start on the “Dr. observed diet” for another month, I figured I needed to be proactive so that my Big Girl stomach doesn’t go into shock.

As of yesterday, I started being mindful of control my portions – which for me is going to be the hardest. That, and pulling out my “sweet tooth” *smirk* Decreasing the fatty foods and increrasing the water will be a cake walk, in comparison.

I noticed yesterday I felt pretty full after eating. But this morning I was straight ravenous: hungry dan a mofo hostage. FOR REALLY REAL! *chewing on my hand*

Now, until my stomach begins shrinking on its own (which will undoubtedly take a few weeks), I need to figure out how to eat enough of the right foods to leave my appetite happy without obliterating what it is that I’m trying to do. I’m looking at adopting some good recipes & such, as well as food journaling. But I’d like to hear from the good people that have been successful. Particularly in the area of portion control.

What say you??

Totally in my feelings. What a day!

//editors note: wouldn’t it be crazy if while I’m doing all the hoop jumping just to get to the point of having the surgery, that I actually lost the weight on my own? Life is funny like that//

Today was full of highs & lows. Certainty & uncertainty. Hope & doubt.

I had my physical exam to try and set things off on the right foot.  Especially since I know that Dr. monitored weight loss is part of the deal when it comes to getting to the surgery date. I found out I have a “mild” heart murmur, which did not please the queen at. ALL. But the good thing is that my doc said he will try to help the process along as much as possible.

I also went to my first meeting at the Fat Surgeon’s office. *straightface* (some of the BIGGEST waiting room chairs I’ve EVER seen. And a “cattle” scale to boot.) GREAT info session that provided me with info that I hadn’t thought about.  I may ultimately decide to take a route other than the Lap Band – totally dependent on what is/isn’t covered by my insurance -but at this point, I’m going with my gut. (no pun intended)

So, maybe I just need to chalk it up to my own ignorance…but the process leading to actually scheduling the surgery is ALOT longer than I anticipated. Granted, I have limited first hand knowledge, and everyone’s experience is different. But, I was told [in general] to expect a 3 month (best case) to 1 year (worst case) wait before my actual surgery date. Of course there are 100/50/11 tons of paperwork, and testing, and evaluations, and a re-DUNK-ulous amount of insurance “stuff” to be handled. Hell, my insurance may not even approve the surgery. Wouldn’t that be some $h!t? *nervouse chuckle* (tho according to the requirements for candidacy, I’m a shoe-in). I am starting to get concerned about the possibility that I may be denied. Which will leave me at big, fat, square one.

I did find that I’ll be able to utilize some of my own resources (ie: my own doctors) to get some of the pre-requisites accomplished (psyche eval, medical clearance, etc).  But I also found that to land on the closer end of the surgery date spectrum (for me, best case is looking like a September surgery date) I could do a “one stop shop” at the surgical facility. Bad news is that will add on some out-of-pocket costs on my end. *sigh* I also found out that ill have to lose approximately 40lbs PRE surgery *whew* w/about half of those coming off during the 2wks prior – courtesy of a mandatory liquid diet *gag*

What to do, what to do? (tho im not even sure I’ll even have a say – I gotta see what Aetna is talking about first.)

What I *DO* know is: I grossly underestimated how convoluted the process is for me to go from my dream to my destiny. Admittedly, I left there feeling a little discouraged. All of the what-if’s and uncertainty is like’ta give me a friggen anxiety attack.I have my “official” consultation – my own personal path forward – scheduled for March 15. Things should be clearer by then.

On another note: Day 1 of operation Skinny Cow (an oxymoron, I know. A cow can only be so skinny. I get it. But it seemed to fit my mood today *lol*)I think I’ll make my food journal entries separate from here on out. Just consider today a 2 for 1 special.

Starting point: 300#

Fatty Girl Food Journal:

• Bowl of Life Cereal w/soy milk
• small slice cheese pizza
• 1/2 grilled chicken quesedilla w/low fat cheese
• 1 fudge pop (a surprisingly good treat @ only 60 calories!)
• fresh apple juice

I feel pretty full, but my daily diet leaves alot to be desired.  I’ll have to consume more food/healthy snacks spread out over the course of the day. But seriously, just looking at it – this is a STELLAR performance for me considering… I definitely need to work in more water, alot less juice, and add some veggies.  No problem. Today was just one of those kinds of days. Btu I’m proud.

*yawn*

It’s been a long day. I’m calling it a night… Maybe my outlook will be better in the morning. Time to take it to God in prayer! What’s meant to be…WILL!

The Battlefield of the Mind

What will become of me??

 

It was a long night. 50/11grillion things running thru my head. A plethora of feelings and mixed emotions. Very little sleep. 

I’m having 2nd and 3rd and 4th thoughts about this entire thing. Yet another reason I decided to blog the journey – accountability. And the fact that once I let the blogosphere know my plans, by obligation and not wanting to looking foolish, I know ill persevere. 

I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a lot of my concerns are about vanity. What the man in my life will think of my appearance sans clothes in a year from now. After all, he’s been here with me thru the thick of it. Or fat of it, as it were. I’ve gained about 30lbs since we met… most post-baby. (Ironically, so has he) But for the most part, I pretty much look the same. 

He’s used to my fluff. And he’s a boobman. The fullness of my breasts (which happen to be my 2nd best feature – the first is my awesome firely red mane!) are bound to be the first thing to go. There may be some hope for them, because even at my smallest, I’ve been busty…but I somehow doubt they’ll shrink up “nice & perky” (from training bra to C-cup over the course of a summer…and from there, I rested comfortably at a full D/DD until the last few years as I’ve picked up weight). 

I’ve seen & heard what happens to the boobs when you lose a lot of weight, and I’m not looking forward to it. There. I said it! *eyeroll* 

Now, the other part of my body where I carry the most weight is my thighs. I shutter to think what will become of them aesthetically. But it will be kinda nice to wear a pair of stockings/tights without the burning of my delicate thigh meat from the incessant rubbing together as I walk. I might even be able to cross my legs all lady-like for the first time. A definite bonus! But, will I look like a 97 year old woman? 

Of course Bertha the Belly is bound to go missing. But will she go missing hanging down around my knee caps is the question. *face twisted* 

I know. I know. I KNOW that this is about health. But my own thoughts about this process are leading me to want to do a lot more research on the mental/emotional space of folks who have lost a drastic amount of weight. I know I’ve gained roughly 50-75lbs over the span of 10 yrs. And it will be nice to be back down to a “respectable” *double eyeroll* size. But will I be depressed because my body won’t look the same as I did back then? 

I’m pretty solid. I don’t have a big Buddha belly. I’m compact. Fairly proportionate. And until I blasted my weight for the whole world to see, most folk don’t have a clue I weigh so much. So I’d like to think that I carry it “well”. But how “well” will I be carrying this smaller figure 365 days from now? That remains to be seen… 

All I know is I need to go ahead and buy some stock in the company that sells SPANX, because imma be a foundation/compression wearin fool. *hmmmmm* Maybe if I wear those for the duration of the process, it will help my skin be tighter? Just a thought. Though ill miss my days of traipsing around the house butterballbooty bucketnayket…a smaller me, may make for a more modest me. 

But somehow I doubt it! *lol*

Phine, re-defined…

10/2009

 

Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like. 

Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug* Let me just say this now: keep your negative commentary to yourself. I’m not entertaining it here. ( And miss me w/the bull$h!t while you’re at it.)
 

With that said… 

I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5’3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago. 

8/2008

 

*smh kinda confused*  

Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it… 

Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends).  And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do?? 

9/2002

 

6/2004

 

I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses,  the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW.  So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the Lapband surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now. 

Know, I know what your thinking: “fat lazy ass is taking the easy way out” *insert eyeroll, huffing, headshaking here*. But is it really the easy way out? I somehow doubt it. And knowing 7 people personally who have had various type of weightloss surgery, and “easy” is the last thing that has been described: I’ve been told to expect a difficult emotional road of high highs & low lows, self-esteem issues about my new body (and the sagging skin that used to be filled out by fat, my newly deflated “orangutan tiddies” that are now  so round and full of life) along with adjusting to a new, healthier way of life. 

What, you thought it was gonna be all peaches & cream? Noooo.  I will be undergoing nutritional & fitness counseling, emotional counseling/support, and other various tests. Along with, again,  figuring out who I am after all of this is said and done. And of course, STAYING in shape after I get there, eating right, and being ever vigilant not to allow myself to come back to this place again. So if you think it’s the easy way out… well, you can kiss my ENTIRE fat ass as you kick rocks.  What may have worked for you or someone else, doesn’t work for everyone. So I’mdoing what I have to do. 

9/2006

 

I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy.  This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good. 

I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time);
Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited. If I’m still considered sexy at a size 22/24…imagine what ill look like (back) in a size 16? I know one thing, y’all better watch out *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh* G’yonce in the houssssse. 

2/2009

 

I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there. 

1/2010

 

Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life. 

Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*