Lil Ole…Me? #quickie

My friend snapped this “every day / girl next door pic.  I just like the shirt since I only paid $2 bucks for it *lol* and didn’t think much of how I looked when this image was snapped.  At least not the way I usually obsess about how I look when someone is taking a picture.  I was well on my way to being out-of-town tipsy by that point.  Besides – flare’y, fluttery sleeves aren’t the most flattering anyway *shrug* (But I digress…as usual)

Then,  I was going thru some pics from my recent trip to Houston, and saw this one again (looking at it on my iPhone) and thought “wow! I look like a normal [sized] person”.

This is good news for one reason:

it means that the connection is finally being made between my head & my [new] body. This was probably the first time I didn’t immediately think  “Oh, I look like I’ve lost [some/alot] of weight” … but that it IMMEDIATELY resonated with me that this is me.

Not fat me.

Not recently lost-some-weight me.

But just…Me.

A person that is not [necessarily] seen as plus-sized (even though, I still am…and there is nothing wrong with that).  But that, after years of sticking out like a sore thumb due to my size, I can now blend in with the crowd…flaming red hair aside. Granted – your ordinary, average chick  is not something I aspire to.  But, in this case…I’ll take it!

I fully anticipate having alot more of these little moments that keep pushing me into full acceptance of what I see in the mirror everyday.  For me, that spells progress. A mental [non-scale] victory, if you will.

It also bears mentioning, that I had a monumental professional photo shoot when I went out of town.  It definitely took me out of my comfort zone, but I truly believe that the resulting images will do amazing things for my mental progress/process of acceptance/body image reality/etc. It certainly did some things for my ego!

Thanks for riding with me. Still have many places to go on this journey!

Phine, re-defined (part II)

*editor’s note: this is a cross-post*

 When I first started my journey,  this was my very first blog post. It will help to reference it if you haven’t read it yet (IJS).  In any event…

Two years ago [on my birthday], I looked like…

This year [and over 100# later] as I celebrate my 37th year of life, I look like:

Amazing, isn’t it? 

I always come up with kitchy lil’ names for my yearly b’earthday celebrations…and this year, I jokingly called it my “Thirty-Sexy” birthday.  As most of you who follow my posts know – I haven’t felt very sexy about this New Body.  And until fairly recently, I was having a very hard time accepting this new form.

Welp.  no more!  Not sure if it was the birthday (in general) or just me beginning to see myself in a new light as I train for this 5k race in April that is responsible.  But I am totally feeling it, seeing it and reveling in it.  FINALLY!

I feel the same sexy I felt when I was 21.  The same sexy I felt at 30.  The same sexy that I somehow LOST along the way over the past year and a half – along with all of the extra weight.  So this, has been a long time coming.

From this day forward, I will claim it.

I will own it.

I will revel in it.

I will project it.

I will embrace it.

I will live it.

Sexiness…reclaimed.

“Phine”… re-defined.  Finally.  :)

The Athlete Within

Last night…I had an emotional breakdown. ON the treadmill.

I was doing my C25K training, and during my last running interval…I just started sobbing.  I mean, the UGLY CRY.  I kept running, and I kept crying. *shrug* Not even sure what triggered it.  But I’d bet my bottom dollar that it was the realization that I. AM. DOING. THIS! 

I’m not an athlete.
Have never considered myself and athlete.
And will probably never be an athlete.

But what I DO want to do, is… RUN.

Like the wind.
Without a thought…
Without a care of how much time I have left before I can start my next walking interval…
Without thinking of how winded I’m getting…

I just want to run. You know, like those folks that can run around the Washington Monument, or over the Woodrow Wilson Bridge, or down by Haines Point…without a second thought.

Before I lost The Weight, it’s not something I could have ever imagined (literally) myself doing. Hell, I never even thought of myself as a person who would really enjoy getting a work-out in.  But it is becoming a part of who I am.  And that is SCARY, because that means no turning back for me. I just have to keep going. Even when I’m tired. Even when I don’t feel like it.
Granted, I may take a day off here or there.  But 30 minutes (minimum) out of my day is not asking much of myself to commit to my health. I was telling someone earlier this week that I had a moment of clarity which was: “if I keep doing this – in June, I will see BIG results. May not be next week, or even next month….but if I keep going SOMETHING is BOUND to happen. There is NO way around that….”  So, I just try to remember that. Even when I’m having a bad day. What I’m doing now, is more than I have ever done before. It WILL pay off. I just have to…

Keep.
Going.

I might not look like it on the outside, but I’m slowly starting to feel that I have the heart of an athlete on the inside. There is something amazing that I feel during/after a work out. Something about that inner “push” to keep going even when I feel like I cant take another step, and… I do. (it could also be the fear of failure, but I will NOT succumb to that, either)  And that “just one more step” will get me to where I need to be…eventually.

With my first 5k run just 3 short months away, I must re-commit every day. Part of the reason I went ahead and registered for it is for some accountablilty.  Something that I can’t back out of once I put it out into the universe.  That part, seems to be working.  So now… to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

One at a time.  One day at time.  One workout at a time.

Just like a REAL athlete

Before ya know it, I will be just like one of those people who can just take off running… like the wind.

“Vixen wuz here…”

See that gal on the left? Yeah, that’s me.

Oh – NOT the big gal in the picture, per se’.  The vixen on the t-shirt that the big gal is wearing. Yeah.  Vixen.  That’s me!

Ok, so…I’m lying a little bit. They’re both me. Actually…all three (Left, t-shirt, Right) are…me.  *duh* As if you didn’t know…

Now, under normal circumstances, I would never post a pic of myself in my skivvy’s. (note: the obvious photo editing was to make it a little less tacky, and a little more artsy *lol*)  But I was going thru some clothes this weekend and came across my very favorite t-shirt – which is the one pictured – and remembered exactly WHY I bought it, and why I love it so…and why I will HATE not being able to wear it this summer b/c it’s now 10 sizes too big.  (But I digress – as usual) When I purchased this shirt  -approximately 14 years ago – I immediately fell in love with the woman on the shirt.  She was OWNING her $h!t! Every bit of who she was…beautiful, obviously sexy, unapologetic…ALL OF  IT.  I felt that She was Me…on the inside, at least.  What I realized while primping and preening in the mirror getting dressed yesterday, was that I am truly becoming her.  In every sense. Like, WHOA!

Now, I’m not so high on my own supply that I can’t see my very obvious flaws like my belly flap & cheezy thighs in the aforementioned posted pic…but upon closer inspection, I’m like “DAMN, Gina….that is…YOU!” Every day, one step closer to my overall goal of getting to & maintaining a healthy weight (for me 165-170#)…but also to have a figure that is obvious, and not camouflaged by the “[fat] suit” I was wearing in the picture on the left.

Now, for those who might be offended by the term “[fat] suit” – please don’t be.  It’s no dis to anyone, or even myself.  But the more I start coming out of denial about where I was with my health, that term really accurately describes how I FEEL/FELT when seeing “pre” pictures of myself.  Like my inner vixen -  or the true essence of who I have always thought myself to be/look – was being hidden…like I was wearing a suit.  Might not make sense to some, but that’s the best way to describe it.

I mean, WTF am I thinking by even posting a pic of me in my drawls, anyway?!?!?  I’ll tell you what.  This day…it’s about acceptance. And re-learning to love what I see in the mirror.  Because even though what I see is no where near perfect, it’s real… A real woman.

With real stretchmarks,

real cellulite,

real saggy skin, and…

real determination.

And yeah – unapologetic-ally sexy.

 

I see a woman with curves. I see a woman with courage.  I see a woman who I done being afraid to take off the “[fat]suit”.

Hell, one day, I might even be bold enough to post a pic of myself in something and not have it so blurry!  Or not… *shrug*  The jury’s still out on what is T.M.I. for me *chuckle*

So, anyway… here I am.  Love me, or hate me (or a little of both) – it is what it is…I am who I am…and gonna be who I’m gon’ be.

I’m ever thankful for this journey, and those I’ve met along the way who help me keep my course.  I would NOT have been able to make it this far without the support system I’ve had.  Even hoping to meet a few of you in person in 2012!

Here’s to progress, realizations, determination…and HEALTH.  Healthy mind, healthy body, healthy spirit. *cheers*

P.S.  Yup!  Never in a GRILLION years would I have dreampt it could be.  ME – running!!!!

Food for Thought (literally)

How much do you think about food? 

Are you a “Foodie” – who enjoys the smells, tastes, textures, and full-body experience of eating something divine… or do you hardly give it a second thought.

Do you eat to live…or live to eat?

I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m an emotional foodie.  I love the entire eating experience…especially under distress, emotional breakdown, or mental meltdown…  It has been my addiction for 25+ years.  Some people have crack, liquor, gambling, sex… Me? I’ve used food to get me off and get me over…

I’m asking this, because I fully realize that everyone has a relationship with food – but there are different types of relationships…ranging from casual dating (ie: people who are not “attached” to the food experience) to full-on adulterous affair (ie: making love to food with every bite – especially in secret, sometimes hoarding food, or hiding food, or only eating certain things (or quantities) when no one can see it going down)

Admittedly, I have been both the woman who is happily married to food, and the one who has an adulterous affair with it.  The latter, I’m sure, is what helped me reach my heaviest weight of 312 pounds.

Well, that was a long time and over 100# ago.  But I still have some of the same issues with food that I always had.  Recently, my weight loss plateau’d.  For what felt like a good 6 months (give or take a few pounds).  I couldn’t figure out why that was.   I’m not a grazer, and I don’t eat a lot.  I DO crave carb-heavy snacks though. Especially at night during “Feeding Time” (the hours of 9:30-12midnight for me, if Im still awake…I’m in the kitchen trying to find something crunchy-sweet to put in my mouth – without fail)

I recently figured out – with a bit of help from some Google’-ing and other friends who are on the same journey (weight loss, via surgical intervention. Be it GBP, VSG, or LP).  My problem then (what put a lot of my weight on) is my problem now (what has greatly slowed down my loss): I don’t eat enough.

STOP. LAUGHING. *straightface*

I’m serious…

My doc told me prior to surgery that he thought that a majority of the reason I gained/kept on weight is because I don’t eat enough throughout the day.  I am the person who would skip breakfast, have a simple snack for lunch (ie: bag of chips & a soda)…and then gorge myself at a late dinner. ONE MEAL a day can’t possibly cause one to become morbidly obese – so it must have been all the cupcakes I was snacking on, too. *lol*

See, there is a thing called starvation mode that your body goes into when it’s not getting enough nutrients.  It holds onto the fat, for fear of not being fed again.  My problem then…my problem now.

Until a week ago.

I didn’t realize that even after surgery, I had been falling into that same habit.  I stopped taking my protein supplements (b/c for real – after an entire MONTH on a liquid diet (pre/post-op) I didn’t want to LOOK at another protein shake. I fell off of planning my meals (& snacks) after I hit about the -75# mark…and since then it had been an uphill battle.

I decided with the New Year, I would resolve to make better daily choices.  That’s it.  Just better choices on a daily (sometimes hourly!) basis. Not just about food, of course. About everything – finances, relationships, spiritual matters, etc… But committing to doing something to better my position on a DAILY basis.

That led me back to meal planning & journaling. And I must say – it has WORKED! 5 lbs down in a week – and not starving myself by any means.  If anything, I feel rather greedy b/c I feel like I’m constantly EATING. Well, of course, I’m mindful of the nutritional value of every, and am back to the “Protein/Veggies/the Everything else” mantra that my surgeon told me to make my own…and it’s working!

I have also started the Couch-to-5k exercise/training program, which has helped, I’m sure.  3 times a week for 9 weeks…and I’ll be ready for a 5k RUN!  It has always been a dream of mine to run like the wind *lol* So far, I’m keeping up. And to push myself into accountability – I registered for my very first 5k RUN – - set for mid April. I’m scared as all hell – BUT, I couldn’t have dreamed over doing this 100# ago… That one thing – getting the registration confirmation for the race FORCED me to really see that I’ve not only changed outside…but INSIDE as well. If I can “see” myself running this race…then I should eventually be able to grab hold and own these physical changes. ONE DAY AT A TIME And the biggest thing? I feel TOTALLY SEXY after I work up a good [vertical] sweat And of course…it’s good for my body.  I have seen my waistline in years… (ok, NEVER *sigh*) but, look what I found lurking in my new fave pair of jeans ???

I might be crawling across that finish line…but I will d@mn-well…FINISH!!!

In any event – as usual – I am all over the place with my thoughts…but that’s because of the excitement I’m feeling. SO THANKFUL for all of the support thus far.  IT has definately helped keep me focused and in check.

Also, my last blog netted ALOT of private dialog.  But I also wanted to share some of the other input I received on another forum.  For those about to go through this process, know that is a very strange, very difficult MENTAL/EMOTIONAL jaunt.  Govern ya’selves accordingly    http://www.verticalsleevetalk.com/topic/29254-continuing-success-how-do-you-do-it/page__pid__250148

Thanks for reading. Until next time….

“Mirror, Mirror…”

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the skin-ti-est of them all…? *tongue-in-cheek*

 

Mirror, Mirror...

 

First, I want to say Thank You for the overwhelming response to the Transformation slide show. That, in part, is what prompted this blog today. I’m really trying to reconcile in my mind what is see in the MIRROR versus what I see in PICTURES.  Like, seriously.  These shots that are peppering this post? The ones of my taking a picture of myself IN the mirror? Yeah – it’s like, when I’m looking IN the mirror, I’m not viewing/processing it as I do when I look at the picture. I wouldn’t go as far to say as “body dysmorphic disorder” – but sometimes it feel that way…

For example: in this PICTURE, I see a regular looking body. Average size, etc…etc…etc.  However, when I was standing in the MIRROR, I still just see…Gina. Be it size 24 Gina or size 14. It’s just…Me. Gina…

I’m not quite sure why this is such a mental thing for me, or if other people who have had WLS surgery go through the same mental/emotional battles/reckoning. A good friend of mine saw the slideshow yesterday and said “Wow…I never really saw you at that/any size. I always just saw Gina…”  That to me, summed it up. As much as I was the proverbial “Big Girl & Proud of It” – as was extremely comfortable in that skin…I never really saw my SIZE (that is, until I look back at older pictures now that I lost weight). Just as now, I don’t see my SIZE…I just see…me.

It could very well be that I was in denial. And in part – that could be it.  I mean, I knew I was a big girl, fat, whatever you want to call it…But I also knew that I looked pretty damned good for my size, or so I “thought”. But I also knew that I was big…and I had NO problem with that part of it.  It wasn’t until I physically started feeling the ramifications of all that weight on this 5’3″ frame that I really knew I had to do something quick.  But that would meant that I’m also in denial now, right?  Sometimes, it’s like I’m denying to myself that I’ve actually lost that much weight.  Like it’s NOT dramatic, or monumental, or fit-for-print.

I think it may be the fact that i had surgical intervention versus losing it all on my own, like I shouldn’t be “as” proud. For the most part, 75% of the loss has been fairly effortless.  But after that first 75#, it started getting harder.  The last 30# I lost took significant work on my part. And now, with goal in sight, I am having to work extra hard to keep pushing the tool – that is, the Vertical Sleeve – to it’s limits. Thereby, pushing myself harder.

Harder to keep making the best choices for my health…

Harder to keep forcing myself to exercise even when I’ve worked all day, or I’m operating on 3 hours of sleep, or dealing with a cranky 3 schooler who is vying for my undivided attention, or just spent 6 hours straight sitting at a table creating wearable “art” and my eyes are crossing…

Harder to NOT fall back into the whole “emotional eating” patterns that got me to the surgeon’s office in the first place (which was damn-near MURDER given the year 2011 I had (loss of a job, pseudo-single parenting while my husband was caring for a terminally ill parent, traveling back & forth up to NYC to assist hubby with the aforementioned, 3 year old starting pre-school, re-entering the workforce, trying to grow my small businesses in the wake of financial distress, etc…etc..etc…*whew*)

As if all of that isn’t enough – I’m still having to work on the the self-esteem part of the equation.  And THAT is not something I ever had a problem with. So why is it now??? Granted, I was warned by the surgeon, nurtitionist, and in pre-op counseling about all of these “issues” being a very real thing for most folks who have undergone similar transformations…but  I didn’t think it would be as big as an issue as it is.  I WILL say that this may be one of the biggest pitfalls of WLS.  Certainly those who have lost 100 or more pounds by them self don’t go through this image distortion, do they?  MAybe is that-much-more appreciated when it’s done the good ole’ fashioned way. But, that’s neither here nor there. Just a thought!

There is one plus on the looks side, that a few people have mentioned to me. And that is: that if they didn’t “know” I’d had weight-loss surgery, then, well…they wouldn’t know.

my new "normal"

That is something that always concerned me.  I didn’t want to “look” like I’d had it – kinda like when people have some work done on their face, they don’t want folks to know they’d been to a plastic surgeon.  I don’t want to forever be someone that had weight loss surgery (thought there is no shame in it for me), I want to at some point be known as someone who did something (extreme as it may be) to get healthy.

At least I succeeded on that front. I sure as hell FEEL alot better than I did 15 months ago…but I also need to keep working on the mental/emotional health after-the-fact.  I think that there is alot to that piece and that the rabbit hole can go very deep.  So many people have so many different issues, that it’s hard to try to make sense of some of the bits & pieces that are entangled mind/body/soul.

*sigh*

I would LOVE to one day look in the mirror and say “HOT DAMN! Look at all that weight you lost, guhl! I see you, Boo!”.  But for now, I will be happy with the pictorial images that confirm that this is NOT all a dream    I am the same person I’ve always been.  Just in a smaller package… I can’t deny that, anymore than I can deny/disassociate myself from my former bigger self (as much as I want to sometimes, based on some of those heinous pics!). I am who I am. I was proud of who I was then…and proud of who I am now. That should go without saying, right? Well, I’ve also come to notice that people (in general. not family/friends, but strangers/misc people) TREAT me differently than when I was obese.  And it makes me ANGRY – for the reason I said before – I am the same Gina.  But that’s a different blog, for a different day.  I’ve been meaning to touch on the treatment of “fat” people in society (which I STILL consider myself at over 200#)…but everytime I start writing, I get so angry I can’t think straight. So, it will wait…

N-E-Ways…

I know I have rambled and digressed ALOT.  But I got it out.  I think the bottom line is that 15 months in…I still have YET to see what others see [physically] when they look at me.  But I want to make it clear – this is NOT about self-love or being happy with myself. This – at least, for me – is about acceptance and truly SEEING/OWNING the tremendous change in my APPEARANCE. (But if you have never struggled with weight and/or lost a significant amount of weight – it’s unlikely that you will never understand)

NOW, the question is: who else on this journey has had similar issues?  What do you think was at the root of it?  How did you work through it?

A picture is worth 100 pounds…

I can so clearly see the transformation in others, but more often than not…NOT in me unless a photograph is concerned. That said…this slideshow truly helped me grasp how far I’ve come. To my other friends on this journey/or soon to be…I say CONGRATULATIONS/best of luck!! http://www.picnik.com/show/id/18184528062_2SBNs/t/picnik-show

Progress Shot

(For my non FB followers)

You’s a d@mn LIE!

*long exasperated sigh*

I’m irritated.

Last night the scale said 225. *blankstare*

I mean, is it really possible that I’ve gained 20# in a month? My clothes sure haven’t noticed. Hell… I haven’t noticed.

Granted, this is not MY scale. It’s the one at my in-laws house. And perhaps I should reserve the brow beating until I get back on my own scale. BUT STILL. 225. Really? I mean, REALLY?! I’m already irritated that I haven’t made it to One-derland yet, despite all my efforts. But to think that I’ve actually gained some weight back – especially a significant amount – leaves a bad taste in my mouth worse than chitlin’s, mustard sardines, & Kimchee combined.

I’m becoming ever-increasingly obsessed about scale numbers and clothing sizes, though obviously I’m still losing inches if I’m going by clothing alone. I just WANT to see 199.9 soooooo badly. The stress of 2011 definitely wasn’t lost on me or my weightloss journey. But now that things are calming down and I’m more focused on the longterm healthy lifestyle & maintaining the loss (versus only trying to get the weight OFF) I get more frustrated when I’m stagnant. I’ve been so goal [number] focused throughout this entire process that I feel like I’m failing miserably right now. And I’m disgusted with myself. Good news is – this is all a part of this wild journey. And most of us on this journey have had a moment or two like…. This.

I also know that I am going to really have to carve out some time for a legit workout a few times a week. My mini walks just ain’t doin the job. And now with a gym in my basement, there are no excuses. NONE.

Not sure why the number on that scale is haunting me so. I was finally blessed enough to be able to do a little shopping this week, and clothing wise, I’m holding firm on the bottom half and
still shrinking on the upper half. BUT the mere thought of gaining my weight back…makes me sick to my stomach. Literally.

Well, so much for my pity party. I need to get my low-fat @$$ back in gear.

I am my own worse critic (tho I’m sure a few of y’all are on my heels *snark*) and I am my biggest competition – because there is no one in this race but…me. I have an October trip to Jamaica in the works with my homegirls that just may very well be the motivation I need to get outta this pit of quicksand.

We shall see…

Fat Clothes. *pfft*

Fat clothes. Yuck. (well, not YUCK, but…the connotation that goes along with it for me is…well…yuck!)

Size 22 cover over a Size 20 dress. Size 12/14 body...Belted, of course *lol*

 

I think part of the mental thing that goes along with the weight loss is…clothing. Im still wearing my old clothes – big, they may be. (very true) BUT, I still wear them. So maybe that’s part of the problem with my mind catching up to my body.  Some days (usually depending on what Im wearing, now that I think about it) I feel super svelte, other days, I just feel super…fat.

...and another...

I have yet to really go shopping for this “new” body.  Most of what I wear on a daily basis is something from pre-surgery. Granted, I’ve picked a pair of jeans or shirt here or there and have been gifted with some things, but I’d venture to say that 85% of my wardrobe are Fat Gina clothes. Reason for that is easy – I’ve been too broke to go shopping.

Yup, ANOTHER belt. 3x shirts...

So, how does one who has not the luxury to go on an Extreme [weight loss] Makeover shopping spree – look pulled together enough to leave the house in their [former] fat clothes?

Belts.

Belts, I say! (and lots of them)

(old pic – 5 months post-op) Belt!

I wear them.  LOTS of them. On dresses, skirts (as dresses), blouses, sweaters….errythangggg.  And while I get sick of wearing them (and y’all probably get sick of seeing me in them) – they DO give me some leeway to look fairly fashionable even in my old clothes. Most of the old clothes I’m wearing are a size 22/24 & I can now wear a size 12/14. Makes NO sense, I know.  but what’s a gal to do??

I’m sure there has to be another way to still look presentable in my bigger clothes, but haven’t figured it out yet (other than the fact that some of my old shirts can now be worn as belted dresses, which is pretty cool!).

Seriously…

Fat clothes. YUCK.

I’d much rather be sporting something new and fabulously worthy of this new body!

and another... (3x shirt, now able to wear as a dress) *pfft*

 

Any other fashion ideas for this transition from Extra-Fat to Not-so-Fat?